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Band 6

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
Some individuals insist that
parents
 are responsible for educating their
children
 so that they can be good citizens in a social community,
whereas
 others think that schooling is the best way.
Although
 teachers and classmates play an important role to some extent, I think it is basically
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 job
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
parents
 to lead their
children
 to contribute to society. On one hand, a
school
 is the best place for
children
 to
mold
Change the spelling
mould
show examples
 a well-rounded personality by themselves because they can learn various things through their
experiences
 with others that cannot be obtained within their family.
In other words
, they can submerge themselves in a society named “a
school
” and gradually understand their roles through physical
experiences
.
For example
, in many Japanese public schools, there are many duties that constrain them: homework, cleaning jobs, and taking care of younger students. Through these
experiences
, schoolchildren learn the social skills needed in their local community.
However
, I think
this
 is only the case when
children
 are educated enough by their
parents
 in the first place.
On the other hand
, it is the
parents'
Correct your spelling
parent's
show examples
 responsibility to motivate
children
 to achieve those skills via
experiences
 at
school
. Without any knowledge that
school
 is
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 important place for one personality to grow up,
however
 hard other people
such
 as teachers and schoolmates tried, the one would not be able to grow up.
For instance
, in Japan, there are not a few
children
 from a rich family who go for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
delinquency, and they usually have little communication with their
parents
.
Therefore
, I believe that
parents
 play an important role in the early stages of education. In conclusion,
although
 some people argue that schooling with actual
experiences
 is the most responsible in yielding productive Human Resources in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society, I think
parents
' interactions with their
children
 hold the key to whether
school
 education will be successful for them in the end.
Submitted by kana_ayaki on

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task achievement
To further improve your essay, consider adding more specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate your points even more vividly. This can help make your arguments more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your transitions between ideas and paragraphs are smoother. Use more linking words and phrases to improve the overall flow of the essay.
task achievement
Expand on the opposing view a bit more to show a balanced consideration of both perspectives before reiterating your stance.
task achievement
Your essay clearly addresses both sides of the argument and provides a clear position that is well-supported by your main points.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly present and effectively frame the essay, providing a logical structure throughout.
task achievement
The use of a specific example (Japanese public schools) adds depth to your essay and illustrates your points well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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