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Writing Samples
Band 4

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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The number of overweight
people
 is rapidly increasing and a lot of
people
 think it could be a problem for the
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
 system
cause
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 obesity can cause a lot of serious health issues. Some
people
 believe that the right thing to do is
implementing
Change the verb form
to implement
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical education lessons at school. Many
children
 would benefit from increasing daily movement and
sports
 and they
also
 could learn how to play
sports
 and make them became their hobbies. Playing a sport in school will ensure that they will be healthier and reduce the probability
to be
Change preposition
of being
show examples
 overweight. Plus, there are some other advantages because group
sports
 could make friendships easier for
children
 and
consequently
 make activities more enjoyable. Another reason why introducing physical education lessons would have many benefits is because it can encourage
children
 to do more extracurricular activities.
Also
, having a
sportive
Correct word choice
sporty
show examples
 child could lead parents to start working out too, which can bring health benefits to the whole family.
Besides
,
people
 who establish good habits at a young age are more likely to maintain them throughout their whole life. In conclusion,
incrementing
Verb problem
increasing
show examples
sports
 and activities at school is a great way to reduce the number of obese
children
 and a good way to teach them healthy habits from an early age.
Submitted by chi63hi on

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task achievement
Expand on why some people believe that increased physical education is important, to help provide a more balanced discussion and show an understanding of alternative viewpoints.
task achievement
Consider providing more detailed and specific examples to clearly illustrate your points. This will help support your arguments and make them more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and flows logically into the next. Cohesion would be further improved with the use of linking phrases.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction sets up the problem and introduces the topic well.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces your position.
logical structure
The essay is logically structured with clear paragraphs that each cover a specific aspect of the argument.
supported main points
The idea that introducing physical education can encourage lifelong healthy habits is well explained and supported.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
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