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Band 5

Some people think the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #crime #prison #sentences #alternative
Today, we live in a modern era where some can change a law by their views for a better life. It is thought by some that the best way to decrease
crime
 is to extend
prison
sentences
, whilst others disagree and think that there are better different ways of reducing
crime
. It might be true that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
extended
prison
sentences
 can decline
crime
, but I believe that it is more beneficial if prisoners can gain valuable new skills in
prison
 which may change their mindset. On the one hand,
it is clear that
 the longer
prison
sentences
 have frightened
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some to lose their freedom.
Moreover
,
prison
 conditions are often cruel and
therefore
 they discourage
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
commitment. The prime example is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violence
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can diminish the chances
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
rehabilitate
Replace the word
rehabilitation
show examples
, and lack of hygiene which
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 poor conditions for life.
As a result
, exposure to
prison
 conditions often
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
 to psychological disorders.
On the other hand
, many disagree and feel that prisoners can spend their time wisely by learning new skills. In fact, gaining knowledge could change their mental attitude and interconnection with their family. To illustrate, the prisoner spends time sewing, by doing so there is hope for the family that the prisoner would be able to earn money and have a good future.
To conclude
, the longest
prison
sentences
 may drop the
crime
 by imagining the condition in it,
however
, the beneficial way which is learning new abilities might be more attractive to most prisoners.
Overall
, focusing on prisoners’ personal growth would
assure
Verb problem
ensure
show examples
 less
crime
 in society.
Submitted by dussip.rustem on

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task achievement
The essay addresses both views but could improve in fully developing each point. Ensure that each paragraph has clear and detailed examples to support the main ideas, which can help provide a more comprehensive view.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is generally clear, but some arguments need clearer connections and transitions. Use linking words and phrases to enhance coherence between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a logical starting point and ending for the discussion.
task achievement
You effectively address both sides of the argument, presenting a balanced discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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