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Band 3.5

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actor, singer or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead

#media #attention #lives #relationships #celebrities #actor #singer #footballers #time #people
Many
people
 argue that the main point of the
media
 is that they focus on the lifestyle of
well-knowna
Correct your spelling
well-known
people
 like actors or singers.
However
, I believe that most
repports
Correct your spelling
reports
 should be shown by the
media
 for
people
 who have an ordinary life. Knowing and reporting the problems from the
media
 provides a good opportunity for
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 to solve their city or
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 problems.
Government
Fix the agreement mistake
Governments
show examples
are juggling with different
responsibilites
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
, so they need to
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
 of all
news
 by following the
media
.
For example
 one of my friends who lived in
Isfehan
Correct your spelling
Isfahan
, a city in Iran, told me that when Zayandeh roal had
drought
Add an article
a drought
show examples
, most
media
 cove
this
news
.
As a result
,
Correct article usage
the govermenrt
show examples
govermenrt
Correct your spelling
government
governments
 solved that problem in a minute, thanks to the coverage of the
media
. If the
media
 try not to spend more time
to report
Change the verb form
reporting
show examples
news
 from famous
people
, it make society a happy place for all
people
. Celebrities have more wealth than normal
people
, making them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
buy whatever they want or travel anywhere they enjoy,
however
,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of
people
 struggle with financial issues which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them nervous if they compare their life with well-known
people
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
while
 showing or reporting
news
 of ordinary
people
 causes them not to feel alone,so they will both satisfy and happy in their lives.
Overall
, I fully support
this
 idea that the
media
 should not
conetarate
Correct your spelling
concentrate
 on famous
people
, the
news
 should be considered
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of
people
.
Submitted by yektashahryari on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, use linking words and phrases more effectively to guide the reader through your argument. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
task achievement
Some of your ideas are not fully developed. When introducing an idea, provide more detailed explanations and examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the introduction and conclusion clearly restate your main points and present a strong, cohesive argument. The conclusion should effectively summarize the essay without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is essential for coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt, providing reasons and examples to support the argument that media should focus more on ordinary people rather than celebrities.
task achievement
The example about the Zayandehrood drought in Isfahan effectively supports the argument about the media's role in highlighting issues that prompt government action.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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