IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Globalization is creating a world of one culture and destroying national identity. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the past decade, the mushrooming of foreign
culture
Use synonyms
 has enlivened myriad countries' cultures around the globe and left the real
culture
Use synonyms
 of the
country
Use synonyms
 behind. In my point of view,
it is clear that
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon could lead to several problems.
In addition
Linking Words
, I believe that
this
Linking Words
culture
Use synonyms
 can destroy
such
Linking Words
culture
Use synonyms
 of a
country
Use synonyms
, and I will
further
Linking Words
 elaborate in the following paragraphs. Several years ago, in 2018 to be precise, foreign
culture
Use synonyms
 burst among
Indonesian
Use synonyms
 youngsters and reached its peak when one of the Korean boy bands namely BTS topped the world's billboard music charts,
overtook
Correct word choice
and overtook
show examples
 other Western artists
such
Linking Words
 as Taylor Swift and Harry Style. Later on, the Korean Pop (K-Pop)
culture
Use synonyms
 dominated the world music industry, including Indonesia.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon has impacted the
Indonesian
Use synonyms
 young generation to love foreign
culture
Use synonyms
 more than their traditional
culture
Use synonyms
 and history. Research even shows that the
Indonesian
Use synonyms
 young generation cannot mention who is the founding father of their
country
Use synonyms
,
as well as
Linking Words
 mention the five countries’ principles, let alone know the traditional
culture
Use synonyms
 they have.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the onslaught of the foreign entertainment industry, especially in the field of
food
Use synonyms
, has
also
Linking Words
 given
Indonesian
Use synonyms
 youth better knowledge about
this
Linking Words
 than knowledge about their own
country
Use synonyms
's original cuisines.
For instance
Linking Words
, a lot of young Indonesians like sushi and beef burgers more than countries original dishes
such
Linking Words
 as beef rendang and beef satay.
This
Linking Words
 is because they see a lot of programs related to foreign cuisines.
Additionally
Linking Words
, it is easier to find restaurants serving foreign
food
Use synonyms
 in a mall than one serving
Indonesian
Use synonyms
 traditional
food
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I strongly believe that globalization could weaken one’s
country
Use synonyms
's identity. Globalization through entertainment channels
such
Linking Words
 as music and
food
Use synonyms
 franchises cannot be ignored, as it plays a huge role in young generations.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction sets the stage for your argument, but it could benefit from greater clarity on the problems you intend to discuss. Be more explicit about what issues globalization causes.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally well-organized, some paragraphs could be better developed to improve unity and flow. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea and elaborates fully.
coherence cohesion
Use a more diverse range of vocabulary and sentence structures to make your writing more engaging. This will also help to show your proficiency in English.
relevant specific examples
The example of BTS and its impact on Indonesian youth is highly relevant and well-explained. This adds significant weight to your argument.
introduction conclusion present
You adequately conclude your essay, reinforcing your main point about globalization's impact on national identity.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: