IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Globalization is creating a world of one culture and destroying national identity. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#globalization #world #culture #identity
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In the past decade, the mushrooming of foreign
culture
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 has enlivened myriad countries' cultures around the globe and left the real
culture
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 of the
country
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 behind. In my point of view,
it is clear that
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this
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 phenomenon could lead to several problems.
In addition
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, I believe that
this
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culture
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 can destroy
such
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culture
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 of a
country
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, and I will
further
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 elaborate in the following paragraphs. Several years ago, in 2018 to be precise, foreign
culture
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 burst among
Indonesian
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 youngsters and reached its peak when one of the Korean boy bands namely BTS topped the world's billboard music charts,
overtook
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and overtook
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 other Western artists
such
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 as Taylor Swift and Harry Style. Later on, the Korean Pop (K-Pop)
culture
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 dominated the world music industry, including Indonesia.
This
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 phenomenon has impacted the
Indonesian
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 young generation to love foreign
culture
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 more than their traditional
culture
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 and history. Research even shows that the
Indonesian
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 young generation cannot mention who is the founding father of their
country
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,
as well as
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 mention the five countries’ principles, let alone know the traditional
culture
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 they have.
Additionally
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, the onslaught of the foreign entertainment industry, especially in the field of
food
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, has
also
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 given
Indonesian
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 youth better knowledge about
this
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 than knowledge about their own
country
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's original cuisines.
For instance
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, a lot of young Indonesians like sushi and beef burgers more than countries original dishes
such
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 as beef rendang and beef satay.
This
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 is because they see a lot of programs related to foreign cuisines.
Additionally
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, it is easier to find restaurants serving foreign
food
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 in a mall than one serving
Indonesian
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 traditional
food
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. In conclusion, I strongly believe that globalization could weaken one’s
country
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's identity. Globalization through entertainment channels
such
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 as music and
food
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 franchises cannot be ignored, as it plays a huge role in young generations.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your introduction sets the stage for your argument, but it could benefit from greater clarity on the problems you intend to discuss. Be more explicit about what issues globalization causes.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally well-organized, some paragraphs could be better developed to improve unity and flow. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea and elaborates fully.
coherence cohesion
Use a more diverse range of vocabulary and sentence structures to make your writing more engaging. This will also help to show your proficiency in English.
relevant specific examples
The example of BTS and its impact on Indonesian youth is highly relevant and well-explained. This adds significant weight to your argument.
introduction conclusion present
You adequately conclude your essay, reinforcing your main point about globalization's impact on national identity.
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