IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people say that all popular TV entertainment programs should aim to educate viewers about important social issues. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #tv #entertainment #programs #aim #viewers
Certain individuals believe that popular television programs should prioritize educating
people
 about significant social problems,
while
 others think that it is not important and entertainment television programs should be solely separated from the various
issues
 in the outside
world
. I firmly believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 despite some need for entertainment sometimes, educating
people
 about the crucial social
issues
 happening in the
world
 is far more vital to our lives. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both perspectives and argue that
while
 some entertainment shows online or on TV should not be interrupted, others should eventually change and adapt to display and highlight worldwide problems based on several sectors. It is admitted that
,
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apply
show examples
 many regions around the
world
 are facing severe climate change consequences.
Firstly
, many
people
 are dying
due to
 excessive heat waves in Europe as they are not used to
this
 type of weather at any time of year. These worldwide
issues
,
particulary
Correct your spelling
particularly
 affecting poor
people
 with limited facilities have immensely destroyed homes and habitats of animals, leading to more fatalities and less biodiversity.
Furthermore
, the lack of awareness about health and wellness topics should be spoken about
due to
 the severe illnesses and diseases, caused by a sedentary lifestyle and processed unhealthy foods, resulting in an obese and unhealthy society with severe health
issues
, which are hard to combat after diagnosis.
In contrast
, many
people
 believe that it is not the right place to raise awareness about several crucial topics happening in the
world
 and that
people
 should watch television without interruption especially ,with children rather than
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 educated and
knowledged
Correct your spelling
knowledge
show examples
 using
this
 format. Some prefer to read books,
newspapers
Correct word choice
and newspapers
show examples
, and watch documentaries that target these
issues
instead
 of changing the content of TV programs. In conclusion,
although
this
 might cause disturbance and a lack of views at first. It will open a lot of
people
's minds to extreme
issues
 facing the environment and population, causing large amounts of fatalities, new diseases emerging, and a lack of education in several sectors, including education, work, and health.
Submitted by ayatalsabahe on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a thorough treatment of the subject. However, to improve your task achievement, ensure that each paragraph fully addresses one main idea to avoid any overlapping arguments or mixed points.
task achievement
Although your ideas are quite clear, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases that detract from the overall readability. Be sure to proofread your work carefully or seek feedback to refine linguistic precision.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a decent logical structure and flows smoothly from one point to another. To elevate this, consider adding a few more transition phrases to make your points connect even better.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-done, clearly framing the essay and summarizing the main points effectively. Keep up this clarity and structure in future essays.
task achievement
Excellent use of relevant and specific examples to back up your main points. This strengthens your argument and makes your essay compelling.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay nicely, making it easy to understand your viewpoint and final thoughts.
task achievement
You provide a balanced view by discussing both perspectives, which is a strong point in your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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