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Band 6

In the future, there will be a higher proportion of older people than young people in many countries. Is it a positive or negative development?

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It is true that the proportion of older
people
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 than young
people
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 in many
countries
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 will increase in the future.
This
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 essay will discuss the detrimental effects brought about by
this
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 phenomenon. There are several drawbacks that can be reaped from the percentage of older residents than young ones in many nations. Regarding the first drawback,
this
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 trend can
cause
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have
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 a negative effect on
labor
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labour
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 in these
countries
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. To explain, older
people
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 do not have enough ability to work and dedicate themselves to occupations as young
people
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.
As a result
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, there will be a lack of employees and workers. Simultaneously, the economy in these
countries
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 tends to stagnate and even go down.
Therefore
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, there are adverse impacts on employment in these
countries
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 if the percentage of older
people
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 increases. Another striking argument is that older
people
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 can become a burden on the
health
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systems
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 in these
countries
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. To be more specific,
this
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 age group can easily get various problems related to
health
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, so governments have to invest in constructing or improving many
health
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 facilities.
For example
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, the proportion of older
people
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 in Japan has been the highest for a long time, so the governments have spent their budget on enhancing
health
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systems
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such
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 as hospitals, and retirement homes.
Subsequently
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, the increasing rate of older
people
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 than young
people
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 has a negative influence on
health
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systems
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 in these
countries
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.
To sum up
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, the employment resources and
health
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systems
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 are perhaps affected negatively by the growth of the proportion of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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older
people
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 than young
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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. Because of these disadvantages,
this
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 phenomenon is a negative development.

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task achievement
You provided a clear response to the task and addressed the prompt well. However, you might want to broaden your discussion by also considering potential positive aspects, even if you believe the overall impact is negative. This can demonstrate a more balanced approach.
coherence cohesion
While you have a logical structure and a clear progression of ideas, you could improve the coherence by linking ideas more seamlessly between paragraphs. Use transition phrases to create smoother connections.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your main points are consistently supported by more detailed examples or explanations. This will reinforce your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
The points you mentioned are relevant, and you have supported them with examples, particularly the case of Japan.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task directly and maintains a focus on the question posed.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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