IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The provided illustration presents a comparison of the number of male and female participants in the Olympics from 1924 to 2012, as well as the overall number of participants over the same period.

#illustration #comparison #participants #olympics #period
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
he
Correct your spelling
The
show examples
 provided illustration presents a comparison of the
number
 of male and female
participants
 in the Olympics from 1924 to 2012,
as well as
 the
overall
number
 of
participants
 over the same period.
Overall
, the data demonstrates that men significantly outnumbered women as
participants
 in the Olympic Games, though the gender gap decreased over the years.
Furthermore
, there was a consistent growth in the total
number
 of competitors across the given years. In 1924, the
number
 of Olympic
participants
 was approximately 3000, with men comprising nearly 99% of the total,
while
 female
participants
 were negligible.
However
, by 1952, both male and female participation showed marked increases, with approximately 500 more female
participants
 and around 4200 more male
participants
 compared to 1924.
This
 trend continued with a twofold rise in female
participants
 and a
further
 increase in male
participants
 by 1984. In 2012, there was a significant surge in
participants
, with female
participants
 showing a threefold growth compared to 1984,
while
 male
participants
also
 experienced an upward trend. Notably, in 2012, the gender gap in
participants
 was at its narrowest in the entire period. The
overall
number
 of
participants
 followed a consistent upward trajectory from 1924 to 2012, increasing from 3000 to 10000.
This
 growth indicates a steady rise in the
overall
 participation in the Olympics over the given years.
Submitted by weezel on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the task with relevant examples. To improve your score, try to include more specific details from the illustration to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction and conclusion. To achieve a higher score, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly and logically to the next, ensuring a seamless flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Consider adding more linking words and phrases to enhance the cohesion between your points. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
Good job providing a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the main points of your analysis.
task achievement
Your essay uses a suitable range of vocabulary and structures, effectively conveying your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: