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Writing Samples
Band 5

An increasing number of professionals, such as doctors and teachers, are leaving their own pourer countries to work in developed countries. What problems does this cause? What can be done to deal with this situation?

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Introduction
there are many professionals moving away from their
countries
Use synonyms
 to developed
countries
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. The main
problem
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this
Linking Words
 causes is reducing the quality of health care in their
countries
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 and the most viable solution is improving
awareness
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 of
people
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 about their rule
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
countries
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.
Body paragraph 1
The principle
problem
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 associated with the quality of health care in their
countries
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, and the
number
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 of diseases will increase. when the risk of disease increases
people
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 will suffer from poor health and life. the result of
this
Linking Words
problem
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 is more
number
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 of death
people
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.
For example
Linking Words
, a recent
government
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 survey found that increased significantly in the
number
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 of diseases in poor
countries
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, that had a huge
number
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 of their doctors moved to another area.
Body paragraph 2
To tackle
this
Linking Words
problem
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 the
government
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 should launch a publicity campaign in the media and schools
for learning
Change preposition
to learn
show examples
 and
educating
Wrong verb form
educate
show examples
people
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 about
this
Linking Words
 difficult issue.
this
Linking Words
 issue will affect their families's lives now and more in the future.
Moreover
Linking Words
, An
awareness
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 campaign could shed some highlight on
this
Linking Words
 big
problem
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 and allow
people
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 to be open and honest about it.
For example
Linking Words
, a similar method used in Japan there
50
Correct article usage
a 50
show examples
% decrease in the
number
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 of
people
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 who
move
Wrong verb form
moved
show examples
 to work in another country
Conclusion
In conclusion, professionals are moving to other
countries
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 and
this
Linking Words
 leads to a major issue.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
problem
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 can addressed by governments to improve
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
awareness
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. It recommended that it is better when the
government
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 launches a campaign to improve society's
awareness
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 and learning
this
Linking Words
 will make
people
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 more
co-operate
Verb problem
apply
show examples
with their
government
Use synonyms
.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Firstly, enhance the introduction. Make sure to clearly introduce the topic and the two-part prompt (problems and solutions) at the very beginning to strengthen the essay's overall structure.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on the logical flow of ideas. Currently, there are abrupt transitions between ideas. Effective use of linking words and phrases will help create a more cohesive flow.
Language
Use varied sentence structures and avoid repetitive phrases. This will make the essay more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
Task Achievement
Provide more detailed and specific examples to support your points. This will reinforce your arguments and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
Language
Revise for grammatical accuracy. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence fragments. For example, ensure that each sentence has a clear subject and verb.
Task Achievement
Expand on the solutions a bit more. Specifically, elaborate on how awareness campaigns can be effectively implemented and their potential impact. This will show a more comprehensive approach to problem-solving.
Task Achievement
The essay clearly identifies the main problem and proposes a solution.
Task Achievement
There is a good attempt to use examples to support the points raised.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay concludes with a summary, which is important for essay structure.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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