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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Children are now watching more television than they have ever done before. What are some of the negative effects of children watching a lot of television? Do you think young children should be allowed to watch television?

#children #television #effects
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The
increasing
Correct article usage
an increasing
show examples
 number of
children
Use synonyms
 who watch television these days,
while
Linking Words
 in the past, most
children
Use synonyms
do
Wrong verb form
did
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 not spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 watching
TV
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss some of the passive sides of
children
Use synonyms
 watching too much television and I believe that
children
Use synonyms
 can watch
TV
Use synonyms
 with some rules that organize their
time
Use synonyms
. The possibility of some health problems for
children
Use synonyms
 increases, and one of these issues is obesity. When
children
Use synonyms
 spend a long
time
Use synonyms
 opposite the
TV
Use synonyms
, that means they do not do any outdoor activity and just eat and watch.
This
Linking Words
 might lead to
rising
Replace the word
a rise
show examples
 in their weight.
In addition
Linking Words
, the level of education for
children
Use synonyms
 may be affected
due to
Linking Words
 they stay long hours
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
TV
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, My friend's family has two sons, one of them likes to watch
TV
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 and his level in school is low,
while
Linking Words
 the other does not watch
TV
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 and his level in school is high.
Children
Use synonyms
 would watch
TV
Use synonyms
 for a short
time
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 with their parents and
this
Linking Words
time
Use synonyms
is to be
Verb problem
,
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done
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 all their homework. Fathers and mothers should put
time
Use synonyms
 for their
children
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 to stay in front of the television and they ought to know what is their
children
Use synonyms
 watching on the
TV
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, programs are watched by
children
Use synonyms
 which should be special for
children
Use synonyms
, and these programs ought to have educational goals for
children
Use synonyms
. If the programs had all of these rules,
children
Use synonyms
 would watch them. In conclusion, there are a lot of
children
Use synonyms
 who spend a long
time
Use synonyms
to watch
Change the verb form
watching
show examples
TV
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 has some negative aspects
such
Linking Words
 as health problems and they should watch
TV
Use synonyms
 under the control of their parents.
Submitted by a2100b2100 on

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task response
Try to elaborate more on each negative effect of children watching too much television. Provide deeper explanations or additional examples.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical connections between sentences and paragraphs. Use more transition words to link ideas smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
You have included both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps frame your essay well.
task achievement
You provided specific examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • cognitive development
  • social interactions
  • violent content
  • age-appropriate
  • healthy habits
  • attention span
  • media consumption
  • parental supervision
What to do next:
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