IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are choosing to have children at a later age. Some people believe this trend has negative effects on both the government and families. What is your opinion? Use knowledge and experience to support your answer.

#countries #people #children #age #trend #effects #government #families #support
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In many countries,
people
Use synonyms
 are choosing to have children at a later age. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe
this
Linking Words
 trend has negative effects on both the government and families. What is your opinion? Use knowledge and experience to support your answer.In contemporary society, the debate over whether
people
Use synonyms
 who postpone their
time
Use synonyms
 of giving
birth
Use synonyms
 is detrimental to the country and family has become increasingly contentious. Despite some critics asserting that there are negative consequences like an unbalanced populace structure, I firmly believe that the benefits of the alleviated financial burdens in the family and the optimized
healthcare
Use synonyms
 system outweigh the disadvantages. First and foremost, I contend that the escalating demographics to delay giving
birth
Use synonyms
 can mitigate economic issues for the family members. Late
time
Use synonyms
 for giving
birth
Use synonyms
 means individuals can take advantage of freedom without
Use synonyms
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 and energy limitations, devoting themselves to work and
further
Linking Words
 education to achieve personal goals, potentially contributing to higher salaries. As is exemplified by a renowned Chinese female biologist who delayed her
time
Use synonyms
 for giving
birth
Use synonyms
 and spent her
time
Use synonyms
 in scientific research, regardless of the nonsense expectations from their family members, leading to a high achievement in her field and an escalating salary that can nurture her family.
Hence
Linking Words
, postponing the breeding age can dramatically relieve financial stress on a family basis.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the government can benefit from the dramatically
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population of delayed births in mitigating the
healthcare
Use synonyms
 crisis, providing possibilities for alleviated governmental funding allocation. As more
people
Use synonyms
 spend more
time
Use synonyms
 on physical exercise and mental training
instead
Linking Words
 of having children, they are more likely to become mentally and physically healthy, reducing the possibility of spending money on medical care.
As a result
Linking Words
, administrators might reduce the loss of funding for the medical system, resulting in efficient management of
healthcare
Use synonyms
 infrastructure. Admittedly, some critics might assert the unbalanced proportion of the populace would cause in the nations, especially the declined youngsters. These
people
Use synonyms
 who are unwilling to give
birth
Use synonyms
 may cause an escalating proportion of elderly
people
Use synonyms
, resulting in burdens on welfare crises.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, more research is needed to prove
this
Linking Words
 issue as a sole determinant. The decreased population moving to other countries could
also
Linking Words
 contribute to
such
Linking Words
 a problem. In summation,
while
Linking Words
 some potential detrimental consequences of unbalanced population structures may be caused, the unproven factors can
also
Linking Words
 precipitate delaying having children.
Instead
Linking Words
, the benefits of mitigating economic issues for the family and optimizing
healthcare
Use synonyms
 infrastructure can be dominant.
Submitted by shaoyuzhu08 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay presents clear ideas and addresses the task effectively. However, you can further improve by organizing your points more logically. Ensure each paragraph has a clear focus, and transitions between ideas are smooth.
coherence cohesion
The ideas in your essay are generally clear and well-organized. Yet, some sentences are complex and may confuse the reader. Try to simplify your sentence structures for better readability.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and relevant introduction and conclusion, making your arguments more coherent.
task achievement
You have provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, which enhances the clarity and impact of your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: