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Band 5.5

Nowadays, the internet offers a lot of benefits in people’s lives, however, it produces new negative effects in society. This essay will explain the paramount problems that might appear of using the internet and propose the solutions for this issue.

#internet #people’s #lives #effects #society
To begin
 with, one of the biggest
internet
threats
 is
cybercrime
 which never existed before.
Cybercrime
 is the various kinds of crime acts which utilize the
internet
 as a medium to attack people in order to obtain benefits. Based on the data pool from the Indonesia National Police cyber crime reports in 2024 tripled compared to 2020 consisting of scamming, personal data
leaked
Wrong verb form
leaking
show examples
, fraud and sexual content.
Moreover
,
health
 problems have emerged as new
threats
 to individuals who often use the
internet
. People tend to have a sedentary life which less active and stick to the
internet
 for a long time.
This
 activity produces
health
 problems
such
 as obesity, eye-strain dan mental disorders.
Furthermore
, the possible solutions need collaborative action from the Government and society to tackle the
cybercrime
threats
. The authority should regulate
cybercrime
 regulation and ensure all systems that operate follow the national safety procedure,
therefore
 there is no hole for the perpetrator to carry out the crime.
On the other hand
, each of the citizens has to increase their awareness to protect their
internet
 accounts.
In addition
, Parents have a crucial role in protecting their family from
health
 issues by controlling and giving suggestions to have good time management
as well as
 to have a work-life balance. In conclusion, the
internet
 creates new
threats
 to humankind that never existed before
such
 as cyber crimes and
health
 problems.
Thus
, the government and society have to collaborate to tackle these issues to get a better life
Submitted by sofinnovita on

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coherence cohesion
You should aim for clearer transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Expand on the solutions section to give a more comprehensive response to the given issue. Elaborate on how the government and individuals can act together.
task achievement
Consider providing more data points or case studies to strengthen your examples and make your arguments more robust.
task achievement
You provided a thorough response discussing both the problems and solutions related to the given topic, which shows a good grasp of the task.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure and concise organization, making it easy for readers to follow your arguments.
task achievement
You've included specific examples, such as data from the Indonesia National Police, which make your arguments more convincing and grounded in reality.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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