IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Large companies use sports events to promote their products. Some people think this has a negative impact on sports. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#companies #sports #events #products #people #impact
These days, the best way that massive
companies
 can sell their manufcturations is advertising, and factories use sports
events
.
However
, some people believe
this
 way has the opposite effect on the sports. I differ from
this
 idea because
this
 company helps to have more
events
, and they improve their devices so local firms can show their
things
. On the one hand, when different
companies
 want to introduce themselves to specular they must do some work that helps to upgrade competitors.
Firstly
, they have to pay money to Fedrasion to have a commercial;
then
 the organization can play
events
 with high quality.
Secondly
, sports industries provide athletic
tools
 like shoes, clothes, and other
things
. Later teams who play do not have to pay a lot of money for
things
 that need.
On the other hand
, when the player uses these kinds of manufacturers'
tools
 they can get feedback from factories for some
things
such
 as close qualities, showing weights, and other
tools
 working;
therefore
, these firms can alter their goods to the best
things
 which have more clients.
For instance
, when I play badminton with a heavy racket I cannot have good efficiency;
as a result
, I change my
tools
 and send
this
 rocket to its
companies
.
Also
, the new
companies
 that do not have bazaar sections can show their
things
;
thereafter
, players can introduce
companies
 good to fans.
To conclude
, these commercials have benefits for both players and
companies
due to
 the fact not only the number of
events
 but
also
companies
' profits are climbing and have an opportunity for new ones.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Try to enhance the clarity and accuracy of your ideas. For example, 'massive companies can sell their manufacturations' can be improved to 'large companies can sell their products.' Simplified and clear language helps convey your point effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Work on grammatical accuracy to reduce errors. For example, 'Secondly, sports industries provide athletic tools like shoes, clothes, and other things' should be 'sports industry provides athletic tools such as shoes, clothes, and other items.'
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. This is crucial to make your argument coherent.
task achievement
Your essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced view.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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