IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that parents should limit the time their children spend watching TV and playing computer games and encourage them to read books instead. Do you agree or disagree?

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Some individuals believe that parents should restrict the
time
 their offspring spend watching
TV
 and playing
computer
games
 and they should encourage them to read
books
instead
. I agree with
this
 statement as excessive
time
 spent watching
TV
 and playing video
games
 can influence their behaviour and
also
 reading more
on the other hand
 provides much useful
knowledge
. On the one hand, more
time
 spent on television and on
computer
games
 can affect children in a harmful manner.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 some juveniles tend to copy those actions on television and pick up inappropriate behavioural patterns from them.
Also
, many video
games
 are extremely addictive.
Thus
, it makes the child spend much more
time
 on them and miss out on their daily tasks.
For example
, recently in Sri Lanka there was an incident where children performed a stunt action from a movie and they got seriously injured afterwards.
On the other hand
, encouraging a child to read more
books
 can be useful in the future.
Books
 are great sources of
knowledge
 despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their category . Education-related ones help the child to cover those basic topic matters
while
 Novels improve one's vocabulary level and the ability to imagine.
For instance
, history has proven that many famous people who have achieved beyond the expectations of society, were readers and they always had a thirst for
knowledge
. In conclusion, I agree with the statement that parents should allow only a limited period of
time
 to watch
TV
 and to play
computer
games
 for their children and
also
 they should encourage them to read
books
. Because
TV
 and
computer
games
 have harmful effects reading
books
instead
 can aid in gaining much
knowledge
.
Submitted by lithmakumaradasa on

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grammar
There are a few minor grammatical mistakes, for example, 'Books are great sources of knowledge despite of their category.' It should be 'despite their category.'
clarity
Some sentences can be revised for clarity, such as 'Thus, it makes the child spend much more time on them and miss out on their daily tasks.' This could be clearer if rephrased as 'As a result, children spend much more time playing these games and neglect their daily tasks.'
task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the prompt and clearly states your position. This is crucial for Task Achievement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. This helps in maintaining coherence and cohesion throughout your writing.
task achievement
You have supported your main points with relevant examples, which strengthens your arguments. For instance, mentioning the incident in Sri Lanka adds a real-world context to your essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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