IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that the price increase of fattening foods will solve this problem.

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In
this
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 day and age, a plethora of individuals are overweight and it is becoming a global problem in most developed countries. The majority of
people
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 consider that increasing the price of fattening
foods
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 will be the best solution for
this
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.
To begin
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 with, authorities are advised to raise the tax on processed and junk
foods
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.
Consequently
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, the costs can be less attractive for the population. Things like soft drinks, packaged bread and buns, chips, candies, instant noodles, boxed cake mixes and others are the most well-known junk meals and play a relevant role in fattening diets. Processed food corporations invest a huge amount of money in these. Afterwards,
people
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 will tend to consume high-levelled sugar and fat so-called delicious snacks. In fact, several individuals are too busy with work or are too lazy to cook homemade meals or to eat healthy things.
Therefore
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, some organisations manufacture high-calorie products because of great profit. After that,
people
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 purchase these items. The solution for
this
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 issue is to raise the tax and cost of the product.
As a result
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, the figure of selling fattening
foods
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 can be diminished
as well as
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 the level of obesity. But, it will not be very effective. In a nutshell,
although
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 raising the price of high-calorie food may help reduce obesity levels, I strongly disagree with
this
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 viewpoint. Because there are wealthy
people
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 too who can still afford these kinds of
foods
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. There are more effective alternatives available to solve
this
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 problem.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task by addressing the issue of obesity and discussing the potential solution of raising the price of fattening foods. However, to improve, consider presenting a more balanced viewpoint by discussing other potential solutions or opposing views.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction clearly states your position and briefly outlines the main points you will discuss. Similarly, your conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your position. Your introduction and conclusion are present but can be more impactful.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is clear, but some ideas could be connected more smoothly. Using more transitional phrases can help improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
While your main points are supported, incorporating more relevant and specific examples, such as studies or statistical data, can strengthen your argument further.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear and focused response to the task, showing a good understanding of the issue at hand.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which helps the reader follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
You demonstrated a good use of vocabulary and grammar, making your ideas clear and easy to understand.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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