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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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There are
people
Use synonyms
 in certain regions
prefer
Correct pronoun usage
who prefer
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 herbal therapy rather than getting
treatments
Use synonyms
 from medical experts these days. I think
this
Linking Words
 is a negative development since they are not sufficiently backed by scientific basis and not professionally supervised by certified professionals in medics. One major drawback of choosing alternative
treatments
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of visiting paramedics is the lack of support
by
Change preposition
from
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 scientists' academic research. In fact, it is necessary to treat patients based on medical research in order to provide the correct medicines to cure illnesses. A good example of
this
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 is a cupping method to cure headaches in Indonesia.
Although
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 there are no scientific approvals regarding
this
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 traditional cupping method,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Indonesians who live in isolated areas
tended
Wrong verb form
tend
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 to believe the effectiveness of cupping
treatments
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 to cure headaches
due to
Linking Words
 being told
from
Change preposition
by
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the
Change the word
their
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 ancestors.
Therefore
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, there
are
Change the verb form
is
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 no guarantee that those kinds of alternative
treatments
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 could detect the root cause of their disease.
Furthermore
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, traditional medicines are not performed by a certified professional,
nor
Correct word choice
or
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 a
highly-skilled
Correct your spelling
highly skilled
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 practitioner.
This
Linking Words
 is because some of the therapists are mainly the elders or the prominent
people
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 chosen by the communities. To illustrate, in secluded villages, local
leaderships
Replace the word
leaders
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 are those who
trusted
Add a missing verb
are trusted
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 by societies
in curing
Change preposition
to cure
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 sickness.
This
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believe
Replace the word
belief
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,
however
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, is simply based on years of experience that the local leaders have, without considering whether one had obtained an actual qualification related to health.
As a result
Linking Words
, since the procedures are done by non-professionals, there might be no significant improvements regarding their patients' condition. In conclusion, a rising population of
people
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 choosing traditional therapies nowadays, in exchange
of
Change preposition
for
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 scientific medical
treatments
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, tend to be
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
signs
Fix the agreement mistake
sign
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 of negative developments.
This
Linking Words
 indicates that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 there is an escalating number of
people
Use synonyms
 who do not recognize the importance of scientific research in terms of medical
treatments
Use synonyms
, nor the presence of professional paramedics in terms of addressing health issues.

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more clearly on the reasons why alternative treatments are seen as a negative development. You can expand on the possible consequences of not seeing certified professionals.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are awkwardly structured, making your argument hard to follow at times. Consider revising for clarity and conciseness.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that sets out the main points you will discuss in the essay. This will make your structure more apparent to the reader.
task achievement
Your task response is generally complete, and you have identified specific reasons why alternative medicines could be seen as a negative development.
task achievement
You have used relevant examples that support your main points well.
coherence cohesion
You included both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps in giving your essay a complete structure.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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