IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that the price increase of fattening foods will solve this problem.To what extend do you agree or disagree.

#people #price #foods
The majority of people are becoming seriously fat.Some people know that the value increase of fattening
foods
 will tackle
this
 issue.The principal reasons are twofold. I partly agree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 perception that
foods
 are becoming expensive.
This
Correct pronoun usage
These
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 very high-calorie
foods
 that increase
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overweight rates and grow the number of fatalities.If it were not expensive, we would not have been plump,
besides
,we would not have balanced longevity grades.Given that the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 cares about the population
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they had better increase the products' prices. People curb to eat high-nutritious
foods
 by virtue of their want not to splash out.
Moreover
,
decrease
Correct article usage
a decrease
show examples
 in
Correct article usage
the foods
show examples
foods
Change the noun form
food
show examples
 rate
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
 the green movement and we achieve sustainable development. When they do not eat too much, they extend their life expectancy.
However
, l
partl
Correct your spelling
partly
 disagree that with
fall
Correct article usage
a fall
show examples
 in the production
daily
Change preposition
of daily
show examples
 needs,
poor
Correct article usage
the poor
show examples
 population suffer from starvation on a daily basis. It
also
 causes mortality degree can rise among
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
.
As a result
, humans can easily be prone to
oyher
Correct your spelling
other
epedimic
Correct your spelling
epidemic
deseases
Correct your spelling
diseases
such
 as asthma,a weak immune system and anaemia.
This
 is because they can not consume enough food. If they can not eat sufficiently, they will need
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more calories and vitamins. In a nutshell, we need to eat normally and balance
digestive
Add an article
the digestive
show examples
 system. There is nothing better than individuals controlling their healthy diet by themselves and the administration had better impose many rules about the production of fattening food that
go down
Verb problem
will reduce
show examples
 the number of deaths.
Submitted by Shaxnoza on

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Introduction/Conclusion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. While you have these elements, they can be made stronger by clearly restating your main points in the conclusion.
Examples
Your essay should include more specific examples to support your points. This makes your argument stronger and more convincing.
Clarity
Work on clarity and comprehensibility of your ideas. Some sentences are awkward or unclear, which can confuse the reader.
Consistency
Try to maintain consistency in your arguments. At times, your essay seems to waver between agreeing and disagreeing without a clear stance.
Balance
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which showcases your ability to consider multiple perspectives.
Justifications
The essay attempts to provide reasons and justifications for your stance, which is good for supporting your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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