IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people see sport as no more than a leisure activity, others, however, believe that it is important for society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #sport #leisure #activity #society
Many
people
 regard
sport
 as a spare
time
 hobby,
while
 there is a belief that it could hold fundamental social values.
This
 essay will attempt to shed
lights
Fix the agreement mistake
light
show examples
 on those opinions before concluding that I am in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of the latter. On the one hand, it is understandable to consider
sport
 as an optional form of entertainment.
Firstly
, involving in those physical activities could be expensive, and many
people
 could not afford to buy the
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 or pay for membership fees.
Hence
, it is not compulsory to play
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
, and
people
 can choose to do different things in their free
time
.
Secondly
, to excel in sports consumes a large amount of
time
, and
people
 nowadays are packed with
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 and other
responsibility
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibilities
show examples
,
hence
, they may not find
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
suitable
time
 to devote to participating in those physical games.
On the other hand
, I believe that sports play a crucial role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the development of a society. One reason is that sporting events could bond
people
 in a special way.
For example
, in Vietnam, whenever the national soccer team has a match, families, friends and strangers usually gather together in a place to watch and support the team. During that
time
,
people
 form a unique relationship that could
last
 long and be tightened through each game, regardless of the final results.
Moreover
, playing sports enables participants to build stronger physical health and stabilise their mental capacity.
In other words
,
sport
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sports
show examples
 players will be more likely to endure stress from their
job
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jobs
show examples
 and become more productive, which allows them to achieve great success in their career endeavours. In conclusion,
while
 it is irrefutable that
sport
 is a leisure game, the
cordinal
Correct your spelling
cardinal
 impacts it has on society
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
also
 significant.
Submitted by kimtruong270192 on

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task achievement
To further improve, consider providing more detailed examples and expanded explanations for your main points. This will enhance the depth of your argument and support.
general advice
Check for minor grammatical errors and varied sentence structures to polish the essay further. This will enhance the overall readability and professionalism of your writing.
organization
You have presented a clear introduction and conclusion, which help guide the reader through your essay.
organization
The essay is well-structured with logical transitions between paragraphs, contributing to a strong coherence.
task achievement
You provided balanced arguments for both sides of the topic, showing your ability to consider multiple perspectives.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Leisure activity
  • Physical fitness
  • Well-being
  • Stress management
  • Relaxation
  • Community
  • Social cohesion
  • Values
  • Skills
  • National identity
  • Pride
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