In the past, most people lived in small villages where everyone knew everyone else. Nowadays most people live in large cities where they only know a few people in their area. What do you think were the advantages and disadvantages of living in a small community?
Previously, many folks lived in rural areas where everyone knew each other. Recently, they tend to live in metropolitan areas where they only know some people. Maintaining relations between each other and diminishing individual
privacy
respectively become the advantages and disadvantages of living in a private community, here are some of my outlines.
Firstly
, the advantage of living in a narrow area enhances human relations as a social human being, particularly in the villages. Generally, people who live around there have a tradition to withstand their bonding through traditional activity. For instance
, In Bali, there is a culture called “Menyama Braya” in some districts. Menyama Braya occurs when Balinese folks assist their neighbours in preparing a religious ritual and reversely give back again to others. Thus
, it increases the community’s advancement and finally
implies a positive chemistry in society.
Secondly
, the disadvantages of living in a small community decrease the level of privacy
. Privacy
is one of the crucial things that humans must have since it includes some private information which can be either sensitive or confidential for the owner. For example
, scientific research states if humans dig deeply into each other about their private information can decline the level of trust because of uncomfortable feelings. That the proof of the negative implication of deep connections in society that makes miscommunication less attractive.
In conclusion, strong relationships and lack of individual privacy
are the dual opposites sides when encountering social community. Every person must consider their circumstances, which can bring positive growth development.Submitted by damayanti.nsd on
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task achievement
Revise the introduction. While it touches upon the main theme, clarifying the purpose of the essay would improve it. You might start with a sentence that explicitly states you will explore the advantages and disadvantages of living in small communities.
coherence cohesion
Provide clearer transitions between ideas. Use transitional words and phrases such as 'In addition,' 'Moreover,' or 'On the other hand' to better guide the reader through your points.
coherence cohesion
Improve the conclusion. It is somewhat abrupt and doesn't fully summarize the points discussed. Reinforcing the main points in a sentence or two would leave a more lasting impression.
task achievement
Good use of specific examples, like the Balinese culture of 'Menyama Braya,' which makes your argument more convincing and relatable.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and logical structure, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph focuses on a single idea, which is well-supported and developed.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite