IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviour most. Discuss both view and give your opinion

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In
this
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 essay, I shall discuss arguments from both sides before going on to state why I strongly advocate that an
influence
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 from any source,
such
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 as family, school, or
television
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, fosters their
behaviour
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. I believe a more nuanced picture is necessary.
To begin
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 with, proponents of
children
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's getting
influence
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 from watching other people's actions play a significant role in influencing their
behaviour
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.
For instance
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, the environment in an educational institute, peer circle, or household shapes every child's
behaviour
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 as they grasp basic traits from other individuals,
such
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 as etiquette, attitude, and habits.
Additionally
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, the source of
influence
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 can be negative or affirmative, depending on the company. Some households have abusive parents,
due to
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 which their offspring take unresolved psychological trauma into adulthood, which forces them to act
similarly
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 to their parents with their loved ones. That's why it's believed that
children
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.
On the contrary
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, proponents of youngsters being persuaded by
television
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 have a bearing on their
behaviour
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.
Television
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 acts as a visual learning source for everyone. But
children
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 tend to learn faster with visuals than theories,
due to
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 which whatever they see, they get persuaded way faster than older people.
Therefore
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, they should be encouraged to watch child-friendly content on
television
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, which is a valuable tool for learning and development,
such
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 as social and emotional development, educational learning, and problem-solving skills.
Thus
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,
this
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 high-quality content helps them to shape their personalities.
To conclude
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, from the arguments and examples given, I firmly believe that both sides play a crucial role in
children
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's lives. Both of the sources are types of visual learning, from which
children
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's learning is faster as compared to theoretical learning. Negative or positive, any sort of
behaviour
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 can persuade
children
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. That's why it is believed that actions in front of
children
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 should be positive, which can have an affirmative impact on their growth;
moreover
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, they should be motivated to watch shows and movies with morals, which can
influence
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 their attitude. With these changes, we can create an environment
that is
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 truly beneficial for the younger generation.

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task achievement
For a more effective Task Response, ensure that all parts of the task are fully addressed. The essay could have provided more detailed examples to support the points made, especially regarding the influence of the amount of time spent on television.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea and develop it thoroughly. This can help in seamlessly transitioning between points and strengthening the overall argument.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that all main points are sufficiently supported with evidence or examples. This will improve the comprehensiveness and persuasiveness of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the discussion effectively.
task achievement
The essay offers a balanced discussion by presenting both sides of the argument before stating an opinion.
task achievement
The vocabulary and sentence structures used are varied and appropriate for the task.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence
  • behaviour
  • content
  • excessive
  • screen time
  • academic performance
  • cognitive development
  • psychological studies
  • sociological studies
  • prolonged exposure
  • attention problems
  • curated
  • mitigate
  • detrimental
  • promote
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