IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe it is better for governments to spend any available money for sports on providing facilities for the general population. Others believe that instead, they should invest in training top athletes to win major competitions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #governments #money #sports #facilities #population #athletes #competitions
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Nowadays, there are more and more individuals
think
Correct pronoun usage
who think
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 that regulators should invest more in
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities so
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can be used by
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, there are some people who prefer authorities to provide more training facilities for their
athletes
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, encouraging governments to build
sports
Use synonyms
 utilities in public areas can motivate
youngstres
Correct your spelling
youngsters
youngster
, especially children, to have a dream of becoming an athlete one day.
This
Linking Words
 is because increasing
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities in certain areas could motivate children and teenagers who live there to enjoy doing workouts regularly.
For example
Linking Words
, during his childhood, an Indonesian
football
Use synonyms
 athlete used to play
football
Use synonyms
 with his classmates every weekend at Gelora Bung Karno, a local public stadium located in the
center
Change the spelling
centre
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 of Jakarta.
As a result
Linking Words
, creating more spaces for physical activities in public places might increase the number of
athletes
Use synonyms
 in the country in the long run.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, if the governments spent more
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 improving the training quality for their national
athletes
Use synonyms
, it would result
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a better performance of the players during the competition. By investing more in the development of their
athletes
Use synonyms
' performance,
moreover
Linking Words
, there will be enough resources to purchase sufficient tools that the
athletes
Use synonyms
 need in order to practice
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or to hire a better coach for them. An outstanding example of
this
Linking Words
 is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
when the government chose to invest in hiring a Latin coach who
experienced
Add a missing verb
was experienced
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 in training a
football
Use synonyms
 team in Brazil, to train
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Indonesia's national
football
Use synonyms
 team, which
then
Linking Words
 led to their championship in the Asian
Football
Use synonyms
 League. In conclusion, an increasing amount of investment in
sports
Use synonyms
faciltiies
Correct your spelling
facilities
 in public areas might result
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a growing number of future
athletes
Use synonyms
 within the country. Meanwhile, if the government choose to focus on developing the national
athletes
Use synonyms
, it can lead to a championship in regional or international
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
 in the future.
Submitted by michellyonggo on

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coherence cohesion
While the essay is well-structured, some sentences could use clearer transitions to ensure seamless flow. (E.g., 'On the other hand, if the governments spent more in improving the training quality for their national athletes' could be rephrased for clarity).
task achievement
There are minor grammatical errors which should be corrected for a higher score, such as 'increasing number of' (should be 'an increasing number of'), 'result to' (should be 'result in').
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion successfully frame the essay, addressing both views clearly.
relevant specific examples
Relevant and specific examples are provided to support the main points, enhancing the overall argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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