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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #world
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There is an ongoing debate involving whether
people
 are more dependent on each other in the modern world. From my perspective,
people
 become more independent than they used to be. On the one hand,
people
 become more dependent on each other because of financial pressure. With the increase in the inflation rate, more young adults / graduates cannot afford their living costs by themselves.
For example
, a lot of young employees in Shanghai need to live with their parents because the local housing prices are incredibly high.
Additionally
, the current economic market is competitive, and it requires more than one person to operate a business.
Therefore
, collaboration among co-workers is essential for sharing ideas and achieving success, leading a tighter social bonds.
However
, I do not think
people
 will always be dependent because the current troubles are temporary, and they can tackle these issues in the future.
On the other hand
, I do believe that the public become more independent because of the improvement of transportation and communication
technology
. With the development of
technology
,
people
 are not restricted by distances, and they can choose better places to study and work.
For example
, I went to Canada for a better education, and the journey from China to Canada will only take thirteen hours
due to
 the latest aeroplane
technology
.
Furthermore
,
people
 do not need to collaborate with each other because of the development of the Internet.
People
 can find any information online, and they no longer need to ask for advice in person. In conclusion,
while
people
 will be dependent on each other
due to
 financial pressure and a competitive economic market, I believe that improvement in transportation and communication
technology
as well as
 the development of the Internet will cultivate an independent lifestyle for
people
.
Submitted by dingjc867328784 on

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task achievement
Ensure the essay maintains a consistent tone throughout. At times, the sentences could be more formally structured, especially in academic writing.
task achievement
Work on expanding the explanation of your examples slightly more; this will help in providing a clearer link between your examples and the main points.
coherence cohesion
Transitions between points can be smoother. Utilize more varied transitional phrases to enhance flow and coherence.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which sets a solid foundation for the reader.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant and help in illustrating the main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally solid, making it easy to follow the arguments presented.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalization
  • technological advancements
  • collective action
  • digital evolution
  • minimal reliance
  • direct interaction
  • empowered
  • access to technology
  • societal expectations
  • personal choice
  • leverage
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