IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that it’s important to spend a lot of money on family celebration while others think it’s a waste of money. Discuss both views

#people #it’s #money #celebration #waste
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many people agree that it is crucial to spend a large amount of
money
Use synonyms
 on family celebrations, but others believe that it's a waste of
money
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, it's acceptable to spend
money
Use synonyms
 on family events if you have the
budget
Use synonyms
 for it.
However
Linking Words
, if you don'
t
Use synonyms
 have the
budget
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 you shouldn'
t
Use synonyms
 do it. For some people, including me, family parties are very important because they help us maintain our relationships. In
Asian
Use synonyms
culture
Use synonyms
, family is valued like wealth and considered an investment, so spending a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 on them is worthwhile because sometimes they will help you when you need it. In our family, we have a tradition of collecting
money
Use synonyms
 from our family members to hold celebrations together.
According to
Linking Words
 research conducted by Professor Mahamad Hason, a renowned expert in the field of
Asian
Use synonyms
culture
Use synonyms
, it was found that family events in
Asian
Use synonyms
culture
Use synonyms
 not only help maintain good relationships among family members but
also
Linking Words
 serve as an opportunity to support family members who need help, whether in relationships or financially. In conclusion, in
Asian
Use synonyms
culture
Use synonyms
, family celebrations are very crucial.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is not a problem to spend a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 on them.
However
Linking Words
, in different cultures, they may have different points of view. So, if you have the
budget
Use synonyms
 for the event, it's no problem to spend on it, but if you don'
t
Use synonyms
 have the
budget
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 you shouldn'
t
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider making sure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. This essay could be enhanced by discussing both viewpoints (those who think spending a lot of money on family celebrations is crucial and those who think it's a waste) more evenly before reiterating your stance in the conclusion.
task achievement
Ensure your introduction provides a balanced view of the topic. Currently, it states the opinion that it's acceptable to spend money if you have the budget but could better set the stage for discussing both viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps in maintaining a logical flow of information.
task achievement
Incorporating the example of the research conducted by Professor Mahamad Hason strengthens the argument and provides a specific, relevant example, which is good for task achievement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: