IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
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Regarding the increase in
violence
 on screens and in virtual reality these days, some experts claim that
this
 phenomenon has a negative impact on the community. Others,
however
, contend that a person's attitude is unaffected. I firmly think that
violence
 in the
media
 has an impact on
people
's behaviour, particularly that of
children
 and teenagers. I'll use a few studies in
this
 essay to demonstrate the detrimental effects of
violence
 in video games. First of all, I believe that if individuals are constantly exposed to violent
media
, they will grow accustomed to it as a normal way of thinking and behaving in daily life. Put another way, one possible motivation for some
people
 who get rewarded for using
violence
 in virtual reality could be a desire to experience it in the real world.
In addition
 to that, an American study conducted in 2021 at California University on 700 individuals aged between 18-25 showed that 65% of those who play crime games eventually purchase actual guns to experience what it's like to shoot a pistol in real life.
Furthermore
, the majority of
people
 impacted by
media
violence
 are
children
 and teenagers. Many scientific researches have demonstrated that
children
 behave based on what they observe and hear rather than on their own initiative, particularly in situations where parental supervision is absent.
For instance
, my six-year-old nephew slapped his younger sister a week ago after witnessing it in the WWE Wrestling show, he said. Taking everything into account, I would like to say that watching violent
media
 has a seriously negative impact on
people
's attitudes and behaviours.
Children
 are primarily impacted by violent video games, and getting rewarded for
violence
 in virtual reality is one of the main reasons
Submitted by wathiq.online22 on

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear response to the task and includes relevant examples to support the main points. To improve, try to address counterarguments more explicitly to strengthen your position.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother to improve the overall flow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and effectively frame the essay.
task achievement
The main points are well-supported with specific examples, such as the study from California University and the personal anecdote about the nephew.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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