Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in childern. While other people think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both side an give your opinion
Nowadays, a large number of
children
are overweight or in the worst case, obese. Some people believe that this
is a government responsibility while
others argue that it is their parents
' fault.
On one hand, the government should set regulations for school meals and physical education programs. If those programs are inadequate, it could contribute to rising obesity rates in children
. For example
, in some countries, children
are fed unhealthy foods and sports
are not considered important. With a few changes, by implementing healthier alternatives and providing group sports
alternatives, children
would have many benefits. Moreover
, governments should share policies regarding food marketing, especially aimed at children
. In fact, sometimes parent gives certain kinds of foods to their children
thinking they are healthy, but in reality, can lead to overweight or obesity.
On the other hand
, parents
control the home environment, they go grocery shopping,
and cook and serve food to their infants. Remove the comma
apply
In addition
, children
are encouraged to play sports
by their parents
. In fact, a poor and unhealthy diet associated with a sedentary lifestyle results in obesity and could be attributed to parental influence.
Furthermore
, a lack of awareness among parents
about proper nutrition and the consequences of being overweight can result in poor decision making
for their Add a hyphen
decision-making
children
's lifestyles.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that both government and parents
are responsible for infants' fitness. Thus
, parents
should be educated and governments should make some changes, such
as promoting a healthy diet and sports
.Submitted by chi63hi
on
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task achievement
Offer more specific examples to better support your points. For instance, mention specific government policies that have succeeded or failed and specific parental behaviors contributing to child obesity.
task achievement
Improve the clarity of some sentences; for example, 'With a few changes, by implementing healthier alternatives and providing group sports alternatives, children would have many benefits' can be rephrased for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow between your paragraphs and within sentences. Some ideas can be connected more smoothly to maintain a cohesive narrative. For instance, connect the discussion of government policies directly to the effects on children's health rather than jumping to another point.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the issue being discussed and presents both viewpoints effectively.
coherence cohesion
Each main point is discussed in a separate paragraph, making the essay well-structured and easy to follow.
task achievement
The conclusion effectively summarizes the essay and presents a balanced view, identifying the role of both government and parents.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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