In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
In several regions, there is a growth in the number of the population of older
people
. Although
some individuals believe that it is going to be more beneficial if there are more elders
than youngsters in a particular country, the remainings
tend to think Fix the agreement mistake
remaining
of
the opposite way. Change preposition
apply
Therefore
, I believe that the disadvantages of having more elders
outweigh the advantages, which will be discussed in this
essay.
On the one hand, the more elders
living in societies, the more mentors available for young people
. Elderly people
are those who have various experiences in life, supported with
sufficient working background and educational knowledge. To illustrate, older employees in companies could become Change preposition
by
a
Correct article usage
apply
mentor
for Fix the agreement mistake
mentors
the
fresh graduates, teaching them how to adapt Correct article usage
apply
in
Change preposition
to
such
working
environment, since they have spent years Correct article usage
a working
of
dealing with their superiors and their Change preposition
apply
collegues
there. Another example of Correct your spelling
colleagues
this
is in the field of education, there are more professors and experts, which are
beneficial for university students to be taught by Correct subject-verb agreement
is
highly-skilled
experts.
Correct your spelling
highly skilled
However
, there are consequences of the rising number of elders
in terms of health
. Elderly people
might come up with several health
issues since their immune system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
is
deteriorating. Authorities, Correct subject-verb agreement
are
therefore
, have to provide more healthcare facilities which are expensive, especially in poorer countries, which have to import several medical facilities from the developed countries. Moreover
, if such
a phenomenon existed, they might face a deficit in workforce
Add an article
the workforce
due to
a lack of people
in productive ages. To illustrate, the older employees in a company might no longer able
to work for a regular eight hours a day caused Add a missing verb
be able
by
their Change preposition
of
health
problems. As a result
, this
might lead to a decline in the companies' productivity rate since there is
no sufficient human resources who are able to work on the assigned projects.
In conclusion, I tend to believe that the benefits of the higher rate in older Change the verb form
are
people
compared to the younger ones could not outweigh the drawbacks that it might cause. Although
the
there will be more experienced Correct article usage
apply
people
to become the mentor
for the young, the fact that they might suffer from several Fix the agreement mistake
mentors
health
problems might not make them able to perform well while
doing their job.Submitted by michellyonggo on
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coherence and cohesion
While the essay provides a clear position on the topic and is organized in a logical manner, some sentences could be more concise to enhance readability. Try to simplify complex sentences and split them into shorter ones where necessary.
task response
Ensure that all points are equally developed. Adding more balanced and detailed examples for both sides of the argument will help to improve the depth of discussion.
task response
Revise grammar, particularly the use of articles and some word choices. For example, 'remaining' should be 'remainder', and 'collegues' should be 'colleagues'. These small corrections can make the text more professional and polished.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the essay, presenting the topic and a clear thesis statement.
coherence and cohesion
Clear and logical paragraph divisions enhance the overall structure of the essay.
task response
The essay provides relevant and specific examples, particularly in the discussion about the health issues of the elderly and the potential impact on productivity.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic
Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.
You essay structure should look something like this:
- Introduction
- Body paragraph 1 – Problems
- Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
- Conclusion
Examples to start your body paragraph:
- One of the first problems of the...
- Another problem that needs to be considered...
- A possible solution to this problem would be...
- One immediate practical solution is to...