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Band 5

Some cultures think old people are of higher value than the youth, while other cultures value the youth more. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#cultures #people #value #youth
Every community has
it's
Replace the word
its
show examples
 own set of opinions and
believes
Replace the word
beliefs
show examples
. Globalization has given us the opportunity to be with and to study the different sets of
people
 around the world. Connected with different we get to know the many ways in which
people
 view the world around us. Communities that regard the hard work that old
people
 did in their younger days and believe they should be paid for hardships they made yesterday for a better today, give due
imortance
Correct your spelling
importance
 to the elderly in its society. In
such
culture
Correct article usage
a culture
show examples
, children are taught from an early age to respect elders and learn from their wisdom. To aspire
goodness
Change preposition
to goodness
show examples
 from God in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society,
people
value
 and cherish the old
generation
 at a time when their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 and
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 weakened.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 there are cultures that
value
 the younger
generation
 more compared to
older
Add an article
the older
an older
show examples
generation
. These are places and communities we can expect to have taken advantage of the fresh minds and legs. Latest technology must have been encouraged to be adopted in
such
 cultures, the use of Artificial Intelligence to create advancement in
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 routine tasks. In
such
 communities, opportunities are created for the young to explore the ideas in
its mind
Fix the agreement mistake
their minds
show examples
. In my view, it is important for the
overall
 social, developmental and economic progress
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 a community to give
value
 to its
old
Fix the agreement mistake
older
show examples
generation
.
Old
Add an article
The old
show examples
generation
 is an asset that with all their contribution brought us today where we are and if we are to move forward we need to
value
 our past.
Submitted by hudibaiqbal on

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task achievement
In order to achieve a higher score, it's important to provide more specific examples to support your points. You could mention particular cultures or societies as examples to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Clarify and develop your points further to ensure they are comprehensive and clear. For instance, you can elaborate on how certain societies value the youth and provide more detailed reasoning.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, work on transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs to ensure a smoother flow of ideas. Using linking words and phrases can help to improve the logical structure.
coherence cohesion
Focus on avoiding small grammatical errors, such as "it's" instead of "its" and "believes" instead of "beliefs." While these do not greatly affect the score, fixing them can make the essay more polished.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly sets the context of the essay and explains the significance of globalization in exposing us to various cultures.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion presents a clear opinion and emphasizes the importance of valuing the elderly, which effectively wraps up the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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