Due to so many young people dropping out from schools, the rate of unemployment is increasing and it affects our society in different ways. In your opinion, how can this situation be improved?

#people #schools #rate #unemployment #society #situation

Recently, many students quit their

study

and

this

stuation

Correct your spelling

situation

continue to the low employment. If

young

Correct article usage

the young

show examples

generation

Change the verb form

does

show examples

not

study

and work anymore, there are huge negative

effect

Fix the agreement mistake

effects

show examples

on our society. To

impove

Correct your spelling

improve

this

situation, today I explain the reason why

student

Fix the agreement mistake

students

show examples

drop out

from

Change preposition

show examples

school

, and give some alternatives.

Firstly

, the world is more developing, there are more various jobs people can earn money without

degree

Add an article

a degree

show examples

and being workers. For

this

effect, the importance

about

Change preposition

show examples

studying

decrease

Correct subject-verb agreement

decreases

show examples

more and more.

However

, ordinary people still work hard in their company as a salary man,

also

they already

graduate

Change the form of the verb

graduated

show examples

from

school

Nevertheless

, young

poeple

Correct your spelling

people

believe they can earn money

Change preposition

through

show examples

SNS like

influencer

Fix the agreement mistake

influencers

show examples

and Youtuber, so they can not recognize

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

real life. To solve

this

problem, the government try to educate the importance of the basic curriculum in

elementray

Correct your spelling

elementary

school

Fix the agreement mistake

schools

show examples

Additionally

in10s

Correct your spelling

in the '10s

and

20s

Correct your spelling

'20s

, find their interest field and do not

study

only

for

Change preposition

apply

show examples

the

getting

Wrong verb form

get

show examples

jobs.

Also

school

Fix the agreement mistake

schools

show examples

try to make various subjects that

student

Fix the agreement mistake

students

show examples

can experience. In world wide, young generation does not

study

hard compared with the past and want to earn money easily.

This

situation is

quite

Change the article

quite a

a quite

show examples

serious problem for

out

Correct your spelling

our

show examples

future and

socitey

Correct your spelling

society

, so we have to focus on improving

young

Correct article usage

the young

show examples

generation

enjoy

Wrong verb form

enjoying

show examples

their studying and working.

Submitted by ekmds010822 on Wed Jul 10 2024

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task achievement

Your essay introduces the topic and presents some ideas on why students drop out of school. However, it would benefit from more specific and detailed examples to support your points. For instance, you could provide statistics or real-life cases where students have chosen alternatives to traditional education.

coherence and cohesion

Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences within the paragraph contribute to that idea. This will improve the logical flow of your essay. For example, your paragraph on the allure of non-traditional jobs could be more developed to explain how these alternatives differ from classical career paths.

coherence and cohesion

The essay would be more impactful with a more precise conclusion that reiterates the main points and suggests a clear solution. Summarizing your suggestions for how to encourage students to stay in school at the end would greatly enhance the cohesion of your work.

task achievement

Your essay would benefit from proofreading to correct minor grammatical errors and improve overall clarity. Phrases like 'the government try to educate' should be 'the government should try to educate,' and 'elementray' should be 'elementary.'

task achievement

You have addressed a very relevant issue by discussing the reasons why students drop out of school and possible solutions.

coherence and cohesion

The essay is organized into paragraphs, each of which deals with a different aspect of the issue. This structure is good for clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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6Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
28Grammar mistakes
 

7 paragraphs

212 words

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Due to so many young people dropping out from schools, the rate of unemployment is increasing and it affects our society in different ways. In your opinion, how can this situation be improved?

Fully explain your ideas

Some people think they newspapers are the best way to get news. However others believe that other media are better source of news. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Many parents encourage young people to leave home when the become older. While others thinks that they should stay at home with family. Discouse both views and give your own opinion.

ome people think that the main factors influencing a child’s development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion

It is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos’. How far do you share this view?

Some people think it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that girls and boys benefit more from attending mixed schools. Discuss these two views and give your opinion.