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Band 3.5

Boxing is a bloody sports which often results in physics injuries. It is inappropriate for this sport to exist in the modern age. Do you agree or disagree?

#sports #results #physics #injuries #sport #age
Boxing, like any other
sport
 teaches resilience,
perseverence
Correct your spelling
perseverance
 and physical strength. It teaches
to
Correct pronoun usage
us to
show examples
 fight against challenges without giving up. The suffering, injury and pain it brings with powerful hits is the price for mistakes committed. The boxers have
thier
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their
 head and
mouth
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mouths
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 bleeding in some severe matches.
However
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However,
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 the
sport
 does not compel anyone to take part without anyone's
conscent
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consent
therefore
 it must be continued. Muhammad Ali, from
Correct your spelling
Pakistan
Paksitan
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Paksitan,
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 was the greatest boxer who reached the highest rank in the
sport
. Through all his mastery and endurance he taught a generation
of
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apply
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how to fight for victory. He got severely injured in his career multiple times but he kept his dream alive and continued. In the modern age, mobile and laptop screens consume most time. The young generation today is not much involved in physical activities. It is sports like boxing that
has
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have
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 kept the charm of physical games alive. In a recent study carried out by
Harvard
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Harvard,
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 it was registered that
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
 60% of
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the worlds
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worlds
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world's
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 population is now gradually taking interest in physical sports again
due to
 deteriorating health conditions. Boxing
sport
 in the current age of technology should not be stopped. With a large population of people usually glued to gadget screens, sports must be played and broadcasted so people are encouraged to be physically active.
Submitted by hudibaiqbal on

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task achievement
While you have outlined and supported your main points with relevant examples, your introduction could be clearer in presenting your thesis statement. Clearly stating your stance would help set the stage for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Consider adding a conclusion that summarizes your main points and reinforces your stance. This will help in achieving a more balanced structure.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences need better clarity and grammatical accuracy. For instance, 'Muhammad Ali, from Paksitan was the greatest boxer' has a spelling error and a minor grammatical mistake. Revising it to 'Muhammad Ali, from Pakistan, was one of the greatest boxers' would enhance readability.
task achievement
The essay addresses a range of relevant points and includes a suitable example to support the arguments.
coherence cohesion
The main body paragraphs are well-organized and logically structured, which contributes to the overall coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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