The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
It is
preticted
that people's well-being and mental Correct your spelling
predicted
health
will be worse in future
than now. I strongly agree with this
statement because Sedentary
lifestyle and consuming unhealthy Correct article usage
a Sedentary
foods
that
lead to Correct pronoun usage
apply
bring
Verb problem
apply
this
toxic situation. This
essay will examine for
the following reasons.
To Commence with, in Correct pronoun usage
this for
this
face- pace
world people are working long hours without taking time Correct your spelling
fast-paced
for maintaining
their well-beingChange preposition
to maintain
;,
long hours of sitting at Change the punctuation
;
,
office
and Add an article
the office
do
not have more relaxation time Unnecessary verb
apply
that
can lead to getting sedentary lifestyle. In the Correct pronoun usage
apply
future
People also
will suffer this
sedentary life in order to they will affect
Wrong verb form
affected
many
Change preposition
by many
illness
fromChange to a plural noun
illnesses
Correct pronoun usage
apply
this
. Evidence for this
appears in India; numerous mankind has
affected sedentary Correct subject-verb agreement
have
lisestyle
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
due to
neither have
time nor interest to carry out, and maintain their well-being. Wrong verb form
having
Hence
, health
will be worse in the upcoming years than now.
Furthermore
, humankind consume
enormous amounts of Junk Change the verb form
consumes
foods
, that mix toxic chemical
of flavours, Fix the agreement mistake
chemicals
thus
, brings
Plenty of deadly diseases like Cancer. Because of e more Wrong verb form
bringing
affortable
price of the packed Correct your spelling
affordable
foods
that are Selling in Shops. One piece of evidence for this
is numerous western
Capitalize word
Western
countries
Change noun form
countries'
country's
shop
sell junk Correct subject-verb agreement
shops
foods
inexpensive price, everybody can access it, and cooking at home will bring high
cost than buying Correct word choice
a higher
McDonalds
is very cheap. But it brings a plethora of detrimental effects to Change noun form
Mcdonald's
Mcdonalds'
health
of the Add an article
the health
future
generation.
In conclusion, health
would
be Wrong verb form
will
more
worse in Change the word
apply
future
than present because of eating unhealthy food items along with
maintaining sedentary
lifestyle. Add an article
a sedentary
Therefore
, I strongly agree with this
statement in the above-mentioned details. I hope this
trend will Provide more awarness
to the PoRelation to take care Correct your spelling
awareness
their
Change preposition
of their
health
.Submitted by reanudeepan on
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coherence and cohesion
Work on organizing your paragraphs clearly. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, which should be clearly introduced at the beginning of the paragraph.
task response
Ensure that all parts of the task prompt are fully addressed. While your essay covers the idea of worsening health, it could benefit from a broader range of reasons and examples.
language use
Be more precise with vocabulary and grammar. For example, instead of "bring this toxic situation," you might say, "lead to this detrimental situation."
coherence and cohesion
You successfully included an introduction and conclusion, which helps create a clear structure in your essay.
task response
You provided relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example