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Band 6

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve.

#people #schools #impact #children #environment
Schools are a second place for
children
 to study and grow up. Nowadays, every
school
 tries to develop especially for
quality
. Unfortunately, it has some perspective for some and can have positive and negative effects on
children
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both these views with my opinion. First of all, we can see many rich countries should have a good
quality
 in educational sectors. Of course, some factors are provided by the government.
For instance
, every
school
 has to make a new program and use a lot of technology for teaching at
school
. It is just not that, the facility
also
 has good support for all
children
 to enhance their skills whenever they are learning.
Therefore
, when the
school
 is competitive with others, it will not be a bad impact. If every
school
 focuses on development the
quality
 is as well.
Subsequently
, many people believe that getting more disadvantages when every
school
 is too competitive. First things
first,
it can be a growth range and a gap society for
children
 because it is very dangerous.
For example
, it can do different circles
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
somewhere, especially in the city.
Children
 that have a good family's economic background undoubtedly
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will choose and have an opportunity to study in the best
school
. Following that, many
children
 from low-income economies will have not the same pf good
quality
 for their
school
.
For example
, usually, some schools are inadequate in facilities
such
 as internet, technology, and other factors. In summary, there are several impacts for the
school
's competition, it can be positive like the increasing spirit of
children
 to learn and it can be negative like a gap society for some
children
. In my point of view, the government should focus on development
quality
 in schools for increasing educational
quality
. So,
children
 can grow
as well as
 students in rich countries.
Submitted by writingbersama on

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task achievement
To improve, focus on providing more specific and relevant examples. This will help to support your points more effectively and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Ensure that your main ideas are more clearly comprehensible and well-explained. This clarity can come from elaborating on your points in greater detail.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow between your paragraphs. Each paragraph should transition smoothly into the next, helping keep the reader engaged from start to finish.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they can be stronger. Make sure they clearly outline your stance and summarize your arguments in a compelling way.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, showing a balanced understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, providing a sense of completeness to your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs have a logical structure, with related sentences grouped together.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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