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Band 6.5

In some countries, some high school leavers choose to work or travel for a period of time before going to university. Discuss the disadvantages and advantages of these school leavers’ decisions and give your opinion.

#countries #school #leavers #work #travel #period #time #university #leavers’ #decisions
Many people believe that the youth should take a gap from their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
 after graduation of their schooling
instead
 of getting admission
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the University.
This
 essay attempts to shed light on both the merits and demerits of
this
 choice before concluding that the former is more significant. On the one hand, getting a job or travelling right after high
school
 is disadvantageous to some extent. The foremost shortcoming is that students lose the momentum to study. To explain
this
, the information they have learnt could fade away after taking a year gap from high
school
.
As a result
, learners could suffer from getting knowledge from a new curriculum
while
 pursuing their degree education.
In addition
, travel costs them a great deal of money. Especially if they move to another
country
, they will have to ask for support from parents for 12 months expenses of food, accommodation, flight tickets, which may become a heavy burden on their family.
On the other hand
, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that young graduates should choose to postpone higher education. One reason is that
this
 decision could give high
school
 seniors opportunities to gain valuable experience.
For instance
, many Vietnamese students choose to take a gap year to live in a foreign
country
, which could help them enrich their life experiences and learn to be independent. Another reason is that having a year-long break allows young students to clarify their study or career ladder later.
This
 is because
during
Add the comma(s)
, during
show examples
 their time staying in another
country
, they can work for various positions, understand their potential strength,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
hone practical skills and upgrade their language ability.
Then
 when they come back to their home
country
, they can apply what they have learned. In conclusion,
while
 it is irrefutable that travelling for a year after high
school
 in lieu of going directly to college could have some downsides, I would contend that the upsides which it offers are significantly more noteworthy.
Submitted by vietnam.rosy.nguyen on

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task achievement
Ensure that each main point is fully developed and supported with more detailed examples or evidence. For example, provide specific scenarios or statistics about students who have benefitted from taking a gap year.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving transitions between ideas and paragraphs. This can help the essay to flow more smoothly and make it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete and balanced response to the question, addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of taking a gap year before university.
coherence cohesion
The essay features a clear introduction and conclusion, which nicely frames the discussion and makes the writer’s opinion clear.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well supported with relevant examples and logical arguments, particularly noting cultural specifics like Vietnamese students taking gap years abroad.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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