In many parts of the world, some famous people are considered ‘role models', and they are having an increasing influence on the young. Does the advantage outweigh the disadvantage?
For many young
people
around the world, a famous person can have a big influence
and be a role model. In this
essay, I will try to introduce the advantages and the disadvantages of this
statement.
One of the main advantages to consider is when a famous person appears as a model can have a positive influence
on young people
. For a lot
of kids
, athletes like football or basketball players are role models. Sportsmen can teach children
how important is sports, clean healthy food, and a balanced diet. Such
behaviour can improve their health and lifestyle.
When I was a kind a lot
of my friends started to train a football to become more like David Beckham. Such
a big influence
allowed us to train more and harder, and the prize was the good physical shape.
The primary drawback is when kids
adapt to the influence
of a famous musician or an actor. A lot
of famous rock band players are addicted to alcohol or drugs. Such
behaviours can not be considered a good model for children
. Nowadays, a lot
of kids
listen a rap music, for this
kind of music violence and drugs are characteristic. Furthermore
, children
can try to adopt such
behaviours with friends,
and risk their own health and lives.
Remove the comma
apply
To sum up
, famous people
can be considered as role models for kids
. On the one hand, famous athletes can act as good motivation to train harder, but on the other hand
, a lot
of famous people
can teach children
inappropriate behaviours. It is very important for to adults know about their children
's hobbies and react when they discover any bad influence
.Submitted by dariusz.slusar on
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task achievement
To strengthen your task response, try to delve deeper into the arguments you are presenting. Give more elaboration on your points and balance the discussion more evenly between advantages and disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
For improved coherence and cohesion, ensure that your paragraphs flow more smoothly by using transition phrases and linking words. This will make your essay easier to follow and enhance the logical progression of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Be careful with grammatical errors and word choice to prevent any misunderstandings. For example, ‘When I was a kid’ instead of ‘When I was a kind’ could make your essay appear more polished.
task achievement
For a clearer task response, explicitly state whether you believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages or not. This helps in providing a more decisive conclusion to your essay.
task achievement
Great job in presenting relevant real-life examples, such as the influence of David Beckham on your peers. This makes your argument more relatable and tangible.
coherence cohesion
Your introductory and concluding statements are clear and provide a good framework for your essay. This helps set the stage and brings closure to your discussion.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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