IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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Nowadays, more and more
people
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 suffer from health problems,
due to
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 ultra-processed
food
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 and drink products, which consist of high sugar and carbohydrates.
Therefore
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, some
people
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 think that raising the
price
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 of
this
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junk
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food
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 can reduce purchases. I partially agree with
this
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 statement, and in
this
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 essay, I will offer my opinion with examples in the following paragraph. On the one hand, many individuals are getting too fat today, and manufactured
food
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 is the main culprit.
First,
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it is
prevelant
Correct your spelling
prevalent
 that most processed
food
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 is cheap;
hence
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, children are affordable to buy. Once children get
this
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junk
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food
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 easily without temperance, the obesity or other health problems will become worse.
Second,
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as these unhealthy
food
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 prices grow, it may make
people
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 re-evaluate the value of
food
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.
For instance
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, my brother used to drink bubble milk tea a lot ten years ago;
however
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, he quit it owing to the change of the
price
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, from 45 dollars to 85 dollars. He told me that 85 dollars was so expensive that could even buy a healthy boxed lunch in Taiwan.
On the other hand
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, in some cases,
price
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 adjustment is useless. One of the main reasons is that refined carbohydrate
food
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 can help
people
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 relax and bring satisfaction. Take me as an example, I love eating chocolate bars, which not only reduce my pain during the menstrual period but
also
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 make me happy when I feel upset,
While
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 there are a few reasons that
people
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 would continue to consume processed
food
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, I think that raising the
price
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 is the most direct and efficient way to avoid most of
people
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's
junk
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food
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 temptation. In conclusion, I think levelling up the
price
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 of these unhealthy sugary products can not only reduce the direct of
junk
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food
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 consumption but
also
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 raise diet awareness, simultaneously, improving
people
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's
overall
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 health.
Submitted by Chloe on

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task achievement
Make sure the introduction also presents a clear thesis statement that directly addresses the statement question. The partial agreement should be directly stated in the introduction to give the reader a clear understanding of your stance.
coherence and cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Be careful to use these accurately to avoid confusion.
coherence and cohesion
Work on developing main points with a mix of general statements and specific, detailed examples. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea which is developed thoroughly.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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