IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people prefer to save money. Others prefer to use their money on things they will enjoy. What is the best approach towards money? Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #money #approach
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Nowadays, people debate whether it is better to save up or spend
money
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 on things they will enjoy. Personally, I believe that balance between both options is the best way to still enjoy
life
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, but
also
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 save up for the future. On the one hand, saving
money
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 is essential for financial security and future stability. In fact, it is extremely important to have funds for emergencies, retirement or unexpected expenses.
For example
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, people could lose their jobs,
thus
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, savings are crucial in those situations. Another example could be an economic downturn.
In addition
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, many individuals pay attention to spending
money
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 in order to buy a house or pay for their children's education.
On the other hand
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, many believe that using their
money
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 is a way to enjoy their
life
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 in the present.
This
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 viewpoint emphasizes the importance of experiencing
life
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's pleasures,
such
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 as travelling, going out for dinner, going shopping, or buying an expensive car.
Moreover
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,
life
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 is unpredictable,
thus
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 it is beneficial to create memorable experiences and derive happiness from one's earnings.
Furthermore
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, spending
money
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 on activities may lead to emotional and psychological benefits.
For example
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, a vacation can reduce stress and improve mental health.
In addition
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, those memories provide a sense of fulfilment. Being able to enjoy the fruits of one's labour is extremely rewarding and motivating.
To conclude
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, I firmly believe we should enjoy
life
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 in order to benefit from our earnings and try to save up as much as we can in order to provide a safe future.
Submitted by chi63hi on

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coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, ensure your paragraphs follow a clear progression of ideas. This could be enhanced with more explicit transitions between and within paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Consider using more varied sentence structures and more complex sentences to demonstrate a higher level of grammatical range.
task achievement
Include more specific and varied examples to support your points. This will demonstrate your ability to apply ideas to real-world scenarios effectively.
task achievement
Work on expanding your ideas in more detail, particularly in the paragraphs discussing spending money. Providing deeper insights can lead to a more comprehensive discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the discussion.
task achievement
Strong and relevant examples were provided, such as saving for emergencies, retirement, and children's education.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the issue comprehensively and with clear ideas, indicating a balanced approach.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • future stability
  • emergencies
  • unforeseen expenses
  • economic downturns
  • job loss
  • long-term goals
  • buying a house
  • funding children’s education
  • experiencing life’s pleasures
  • luxury items
  • memorable experiences
  • derive happiness
  • delayed gratification
  • yield higher returns
  • stock markets
  • real estate
  • starting a business
  • emotional and psychological benefits
  • reduce stress
  • mental health
  • sense of fulfillment
  • fruits of one’s labor
  • balanced life
  • financial stability
  • personal happiness
  • well-being
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