IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Most schools are planning to replace sport and exercise classes with more academic sessions. How will this change affect children’s lives in your view?

#schools #sport #exercise #classes #sessions #change #children’s #lives
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The debate about where to allocate valuable teaching resources probably started with the first educational institutions. In present-day society, the conflict continues and rightly so. In my opinion, converting
sports
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 classes to more traditional subjects has two significant advantages.
Firstly
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, it is a more effective use of a student’s
time
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.
Secondly
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, in the future, academic skills will be more useful. Switching
time
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 spent on
sports
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 in a
school
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 to
time
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 spent on more academic activities is a wise and cost-effective solution. Essentially, academic studies are inherently less expensive to perform when compared to physical education.
For example
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, to play almost any sport one has to invest in the appropriate equipment, ranging from shorts and t-shirts to rackets and balls.
Furthermore
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, excess
time
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 is spent in the changing rooms or washing afterwards. In more traditional subjects, students merely enter the classroom and are learning within minutes.
Consequently
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, sport can be argued as an activity practised naturally by children, especially boys. In every
school
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 at break
time
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, many children engage in energetic activities,
whereas
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 hardly any are studying algebra, biology or physics. Because these subjects are less popular more resources should be allocated to teaching them.
In addition
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, academic mastery could be argued as more important
due to
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 the small number of people in society currently using
sports
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 ability in a work environment.
Thus
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, focusing on the prowess demanded by the labour market would benefit students’ lives dramatically in the future.
To conclude
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, young learners going through
school
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 would be much better prepared for life avoiding
sports
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 tuition.
Furthermore
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, they would have taken full advantage of their
school
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 years through more
time
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 spent learning.
Submitted by patelmeera on

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task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive perspective on the topic, presenting the main arguments effectively. However, consider integrating more counterarguments or potential drawbacks to create a more balanced view.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is well-structured, with clear paragraphs allocated to different points, using more cohesive devices and transition words would enhance the flow between ideas. For instance, words like 'However', 'In addition', and 'Therefore' can better connect sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is clear and sets up the debate effectively, drawing the reader in right from the start.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear main idea, and the arguments are presented in an orderly manner.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and provides a clear stance on the issue.
task achievement
The essay stays on topic and covers the main points comprehensively, which demonstrates a clear understanding of the task.
task achievement
Relevant and specific examples, such as the comparison of costs between sports and academic subjects, effectively support the arguments presented.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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