IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

many people around the world, use social media every day to keep in touch with other people and get news events. Do you think the advantage outweigh the disadvantage?

#people #world #media #touch #news #events #advantage
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In current society, people tend to access social
media
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networks
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 to connect with others and update the
news
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. In my opinion, I think there are both positive and negative sides
about
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to
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this
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 statement, but the benefits always outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand, granted that using social
media
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 could bring several matters.
first,
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it can cause a lot of health problems,
for example
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, many labour workers who sit all day long in the factory often face obesity or student and office workers seeing the screen for a long time may have sore eyes and even headaches.
second,
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getting
news
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 through social
networks
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 could reduce the reaction to the reality that individuals have less time for face-to-face with other people, it would be
a
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apply
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problematic for their real relationships,
such
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 as decreasing
the
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their emotions toward each other.
On the other hand
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, despite all the disadvantages mentioned above, I believe that there are various advantages surpassing the other ones. Social
media
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 allow people to study and work online so that they can save time travelling to school and company,
moreover
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, during the pandemic COVID-19, when the government decided to issue a lockdown policy,
this
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 is a period
that
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apply
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the citizens need to use online
networks
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such
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 as zoom, google meet,.. to continue their schooling and working.
In addition
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, everybody can read the
news
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 ubiquitously if they have an internet connection. they may access the events through social
media
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such
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 as Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok,
..
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.
...
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Furthermore
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, all the applications generate content through the user's hobbies, so that they have more choices to select
favourite
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their favourite
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 type of
news
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For instance
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, if you often watch fashion programs, the apps will recommend more posts about that field. In conclusion in spite of causing some diseases and the struggle with relationships, I personally believe that social
networks
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 are more convenient and could reduce the time-consuming. all these benefits are completely outweigh the drawbacks
Submitted by tôi yêu ielts  on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of social media usage effectively, showing an understanding of the topic. However, work on improving the fluency and accuracy of your ideas for greater clarity. For example, the second drawback mention could be more concise.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is well-structured, consider organizing your points more logically. Each paragraph should contain a clear main idea, supported by specific examples. Ensure to start your sentences with a capital letter and avoid unnecessary ellipses ('...') which hinder the formal tone.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between sentences and paragraphs to make the essay flow more smoothly. Use connectors such as 'Furthermore,' 'Moreover,' and 'In addition' accurately to strengthen the connection between ideas.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay introduces the topic well and concludes with a statement that reaffirms your opinion. This helps in giving your essay a rounded and complete structure.
relevant specific examples
You provide relevant, specific examples like the use of social media during the COVID-19 pandemic, which strengthens your argument.
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