IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries,people are now living longer than ever before. some people say ageing population create problems for government.Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having angeing population outwight the disadvantages.

There is no denying the fact that old
people
Use synonyms
 could
beneift
Correct your spelling
benefit
 the country.
this
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both advantages and disadvantages.
to begin
Linking Words
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
 there are many cons for elderly working in various places.
Firstly
Linking Words
,old
people
Use synonyms
 have been practicing for a long time which gave them more experience than others.
In other words
Linking Words
, as they had been working for decades that could provide benefit to the company
also
Linking Words
, older
people
Use synonyms
 could
taught
Change the verb form
teach
be taught
show examples
 younger
people
Use synonyms
 and provide all
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
assistant
Replace the word
assistance
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, they are
discipline
Wrong verb form
disciplined
show examples
 at work.
For example
Linking Words
, in Japan
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been the most
discipline
Replace the word
disciplined
show examples
labours
Correct your spelling
labourers
show examples
 in the world and
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 is a study made in Japan in 2013 represent that more than 90% of
discipline
Replace the word
disciplined
show examples
 workers are old individuals,
due to
Linking Words
 many factors , they get more sleep than
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
 population, they don't go to parties and waste their time during midnight , they don't consume electronic
advises
Replace the word
advices
show examples
 as much as younger
people
Use synonyms
. In terms of pros,
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 could have some negative impact on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society one of
these effect
Change the determiner
this effect
these effects
show examples
 is they could think that they have all the authority to do whatever they want even when
is
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 could be
wrong
Add an article
a wrong
the wrong
show examples
 decision . It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that,
,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
the most of elderly population have their own way of thinking ,they could make a move without telling
mangers
Correct your spelling
managers
show examples
 which sometimes could impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the company and put
firm
Add an article
the firm
a firm
show examples
 in jeopardy.
Moreover
Linking Words
, younger individuals will not have a chance to
proof
Replace the word
prove
show examples
 themselves.
For instance
Linking Words
,
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
 population will not get
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 opportunity to
proof
Replace the word
prove
show examples
 their skills
while
Linking Words
 older
people
Use synonyms
occupies
Change the verb form
occupy
show examples
 the spotlight . In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 there are many advantages for older
labours
Correct your spelling
labourers
show examples
. It is
also
Linking Words
 true that
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 are several disadvantages for older
people
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Your essay provides an introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, you need to make your introduction more comprehensive. Briefly mention the advantages and disadvantages in the introduction to give the reader a clear idea of what to expect.
clear comprehensive ideas
Work on developing your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. Each point you make should be supported with specific examples, detailed explanations, or illustrations to make your arguments stronger.
clear comprehensive ideas
There were quite a few grammatical errors and spelling mistakes (e.g., 'beneift' should be 'benefit', and 'their' should be 'there'). Make sure to proofread your essay to eliminate these errors as they impact the clarity of your writing.
logical structure
Your essay has a few logical jumps and lacks smooth transitions between ideas. Use transition words and phrases to connect your ideas more cohesively. For example, instead of jumping from one point to another abruptly, use words like 'moreover', 'furthermore', and 'in contrast' to guide the reader.
supported main points
Your points need more articulation. Instead of stating that elderly people can 'do whatever they want', clarify the impact on the organization or society. Also, avoid generalized statements without evidence or specific examples to support them.
complete response
You effectively mentioned some specific benefits and drawbacks of an ageing population which shows an attempt to discuss both sides of the issue, as required by the task.
relevant specific examples
Your use of examples such as the study in Japan is good practice for supporting your points. This aids in making your argument more convincing.
logical structure
Your essay layout is clear with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which maintains a basic structure for the reader to follow easily.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: