IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, people believe that governments should invest tax-payer's money in healthcare, other believe that money should be used in other areas. Discuss both points of view and give your opinion

#people #governments #tax-payer #money #healthcare #areas #points
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Whereas
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 think that the
funds
Use synonyms
 collected with
taxes
Use synonyms
 should be invested in
healthcare
Use synonyms
, another group affirms that it should be designated to
another public aspects
Replace the adjective
another public aspect
other public aspects
show examples
.
To begin
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 with, the first idea expressed above
tend
Correct subject-verb agreement
tends
show examples
 to be a common
though
Correct your spelling
thought
show examples
,
however
Linking Words
 is not a good move
invest
Fix the infinitive
to invest
show examples
 all the government’s
funds
Use synonyms
 in only one of the public aspects (
healthcare
Use synonyms
). On the other side, the second statement is supported by a part of the
society
Use synonyms
 as well.
However
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, it does not contemplate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthcare
Use synonyms
 as
essential
Correct article usage
an essential
show examples
 service as they agree
investing
Change the verb form
to invest
show examples
 in
another public
Replace the adjective
another public area
other public areas
show examples
areas
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay disagrees with both ideas, governments should keep a balance between the public
areas
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 and they should split the
funds
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 collected by
taxes
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 in order to
grant
Use synonyms
 access to
society
Use synonyms
 at least to the basic public services
such
Linking Words
 as
education
Use synonyms
,
security
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 and
healthcare
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, if they do not cover those
areas
Use synonyms
,
people
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 won’t have incentives to pay their
taxes
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 properly.
To begin
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 with, the idea of investing all the money collected in
healthcare
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 is not the best move. Nations should
grant
Use synonyms
 access to other public services as well, societies need to have a good and complete
education
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
 in order to continue developing themselves. On top of that,
countries
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 should invest in order to have a good
security
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system
Use synonyms
 since nowadays there are multiple
security
Use synonyms
 issues inside and outside the borders.
For example
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,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
recent research concluded that
countries
Use synonyms
 with a more
develop
Wrong verb form
developed
show examples
education
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
 generate more professional
people
Use synonyms
, and
as a result
Linking Words
, they have more PBI per capita, we can see
this
Linking Words
 example in nations
such
Linking Words
 as Norway and Iceland where
Use synonyms
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
system
Use synonyms
 is free for their citizens and they have a significant percentage of
profession
Add an article
the profession
a profession
show examples
 in their
society
Use synonyms
,
as a
Linking Words
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
show examples
 they have one of the higher PBIs per capita. On the opposite side, we have
people
Use synonyms
 who agree with
invest
Change the verb form
investing
show examples
 the tax
funds
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 in other public
areas
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 idea is more appropriate,
however
Linking Words
, a nation cannot forget about
healthcare
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, as
countries
Use synonyms
 should
grant
Use synonyms
 to their citizens a good health
system
Use synonyms
. If
this
Linking Words
 does not happen, health
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
 a business, and
business-man
Correct your spelling
businessmen
show examples
 could be tented to increase
prices
Correct article usage
the prices
show examples
 of a basic
system
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 like
healthcare
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, in
countries
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such
Linking Words
 as
U.S.
Correct article usage
the U.S.
show examples
healthcare
Use synonyms
 is mostly private, and
people
Use synonyms
 should get
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
insurance since clinics and doctors are expensive,
however
Linking Words
, not all the
society
Use synonyms
 has
resources
Correct article usage
the resources
show examples
 to afford
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
insurance, and in cases of emergency individuals without could fall
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 struggles.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 essay
disagree
Change the verb form
disagrees
show examples
 with both ideas, as a government should
grant
Use synonyms
 more than
healthcare
Use synonyms
 to their
society
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
, they cannot avoid
to cover
Change the verb form
covering
show examples
this
Linking Words
 essential area. Nations have the duty to provide basic services
such
Linking Words
us
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
education
Use synonyms
,
security
Use synonyms
 and
healthcare
Use synonyms
 to their
society
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
otherwise
Add a comma
otherwise,
show examples
 the are
not
Correct your spelling
no
show examples
 incentives for
people
Use synonyms
 to pay
taxes
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by tomasmutilva99 on

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task achievement
The essay needs to address the task more completely. Although it discusses both points of view, the development of the ideas lacks depth. Try to elaborate more on each viewpoint and provide more diverse examples.
task achievement
The essay presents clear ideas, but some of them are not fully developed or clearly expressed. Aim to expand on your key points and clarify your reasoning.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical structuring of the essay. At times, the flow of ideas seems disjointed. Try to ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, they need to be more robust. Your introduction should clearly define the scope of the essay, and the conclusion should succinctly summarize your main points and reinforce your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transitions between paragraphs to aid in the overall cohesion of the essay.
task achievement
The essay covers both viewpoints, demonstrating a balanced approach to the topic.
task achievement
Relevant specific examples are included to support the main points, which helps in illustrating the arguments.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present, which helps in framing the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Tax-payer’s money
  • Healthcare
  • Long-term costs
  • Productive workforce
  • Sick days
  • Equal access
  • Essential services
  • Sectors
  • Education
  • Infrastructure
  • Defense
  • Development
  • Security
  • Knowledgeable population
  • Innovation
  • Economic growth
  • Quality of life
  • Funding allocation
  • Comprehensive development
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