IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Dicipline is an ever increasing problem in modern schools.Some people think that dicipline should be the responsibilities of teachers, while others think this is the role of parents. Dicuss both sides and give your opinion.

#dicipline #schools #people #responsibilities #teachers #role #parents #dicuss
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is
cruical
Correct your spelling
crucial
critical
 that
students
Use synonyms
'
discipline
Use synonyms
 can affect their
whole-personal
Correct your spelling
whole personal
show examples
 development.
However
Linking Words
, the
responsiblites
Correct your spelling
responsibility
responsibilities
 to nurture
students
Use synonyms
 with their
discipline
Use synonyms
 are judged. Some people agree that
teachers
Use synonyms
 should take these,
while
Linking Words
 some people suggest that
parents
Use synonyms
 should take the
role
Use synonyms
. The essay
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 discuss
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both sides of
opinion
Correct pronoun usage
my opinion
show examples
 and I
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 give my point of view.
For supporting
Change preposition
To support
show examples
 that
teachers
Use synonyms
 should take the
role
Use synonyms
 of boosting
discipline
Use synonyms
 of
students
Use synonyms
,
teachers
Use synonyms
 should increase
students
Use synonyms
'
discipline
Use synonyms
 to prevent
students
Use synonyms
getting
Change preposition
from getting
show examples
 bad results. If
students
Use synonyms
 cannot maintain their
self-disicipline
Correct your spelling
self-discipline
, it is hard for them to get good results in their
examination
Fix the agreement mistake
examinations
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, studying
Chinese
Change the article
the Chinese
show examples
 language in HKDSE requires
students
Use synonyms
 to memorise the passages.
Students
Use synonyms
 who don't revise the passages by themselves
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
discipline
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
thse
Correct your spelling
the
these
those
students
Use synonyms
 easily get low marks in the examination.
As a result
Linking Words
,
teachers
Use synonyms
 should take the
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
 to maintain
students
Use synonyms
'
discipline
Use synonyms
 in the aspect of academics.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 are seen as an essential stakeholder, contributing
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 level of
students
Use synonyms
'
discipline
Use synonyms
. Since
students
Use synonyms
 spend most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 time with their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
,
parents
Use synonyms
 have a higher opportunity to change their children,
such
Linking Words
 as encouraging them to set a goal, building a habit and so forth. From own my experience, I have built a habit of doing revision after every school day. Asking me to review
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
what
did
Verb problem
apply
show examples
I
learn
Wrong verb form
learned
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that day, my
parents
Use synonyms
 helped me to become a student with a high level of self-
discipline
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 should take the
role
Use synonyms
 of
build
Change the verb form
building
show examples
students
Use synonyms
'
discipline
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 making use of
students
Use synonyms
' learning environment. Both
teachers
Use synonyms
 and
parents
Use synonyms
 have their own reason to take the
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
 for building up
students
Use synonyms
'
discipline
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, since
students
Use synonyms
'
discipline
Use synonyms
 can affect their whole-personal development, I agree that
parents
Use synonyms
 are more responsible
to take
Change preposition
for taking
show examples
 the
role
Use synonyms
, in order to build up a better future
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their children.
Submitted by asllchkied on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that all arguments are fully developed and supported. Provide clear, comprehensive ideas with relevant specific examples to strengthen the essay. For instance, you could elaborate on how teachers can implement discipline strategies in the classroom.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence and cohesion by using linking words and phrases more effectively. This will create a smoother flow between your points and make the essay easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, such as 'cruical' (crucial), 'disicipline' (discipline), 'thse' (these), and 'from own my experience' (from my own experience). These small inaccuracies can be distracting.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction is clear and sets up the discussion well, presenting both sides of the argument and stating your intention to provide your own opinion.
logical structure
The essay is well-organized, with clear paragraphing that helps in understanding the different viewpoints discussed.
relevant specific examples
There are relevant specific examples provided, such as the example of studying Chinese language in HKDSE and the personal experience with your parents, which add value to the arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: