IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Question: Some young children spend a great amount of their time practicing sports. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

#children #amount #time #sports #support
Many young
children
 are spending their
time
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
sports
.
This
 essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages. On the one hand, some
people
 think when young
people
 do
sports
, it is very important for their bones because
children
 need activities for growing the body. So,
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
sports
 is a good benefit for young
people
.
Nevertheless
, when
children
 come to do
sports
 activities that can help with communication and socialization.
For example
,
children
 in the USA spend
time
 for football before lunch every day when they go to school. 80% of
children
 who practice football when they grow up the high will be above average and good mindset.
On the other hand
, many
people
 argue that
children
 do not need to spend
time
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
sports
due to
children
 need
time
 for learning at school and learning at their homes as E-learning.
However
, doing
sports
 cannot guarantee for job in the future.
For example
, in China, every child spends their day about 15 hours per day entering the top 5 universities because, they believe that those who can study at the top university could be hired by the top
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
company too, and that will benefit their lives.
Overall
, doing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 is good but parents need to control their child what the limit of
time
 that
children
 need to do
sports
 for
relaxing
Replace the word
relaxation
show examples
 and
time
 limit for learning.
Thus
, young
people
 will be
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 person.
Submitted by amittawin on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by creating clearer paragraphs with topic sentences. Ensure that each paragraph discusses one main idea clearly.
task achievement
Strengthen your arguments with more detailed explanations and more varied examples. This will enhance comprehension and relevance.
task achievement
Enhance the vocabulary and avoid repetition to make the essay more engaging and professional.
task achievement
The essay does present both advantages and disadvantages of young children spending a significant amount of time practicing sports.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present, giving the essay a clear beginning and end.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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