IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Question: Some young children spend a great amount of their time practicing sports. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

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Many young
children
Use synonyms
 are spending their
time
Use synonyms
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages. On the one hand, some
people
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 think when young
people
Use synonyms
 do
sports
Use synonyms
, it is very important for their bones because
children
Use synonyms
 need activities for growing the body. So,
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 is a good benefit for young
people
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.
Nevertheless
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, when
children
Use synonyms
 come to do
sports
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 activities that can help with communication and socialization.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
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 in the USA spend
time
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 for football before lunch every day when they go to school. 80% of
children
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 who practice football when they grow up the high will be above average and good mindset.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many
people
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 argue that
children
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 do not need to spend
time
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practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
children
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 need
time
Use synonyms
 for learning at school and learning at their homes as E-learning.
However
Linking Words
, doing
sports
Use synonyms
 cannot guarantee for job in the future.
For example
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, in China, every child spends their day about 15 hours per day entering the top 5 universities because, they believe that those who can study at the top university could be hired by the top
the
Correct article usage
apply
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company too, and that will benefit their lives.
Overall
Linking Words
, doing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 is good but parents need to control their child what the limit of
time
Use synonyms
 that
children
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 need to do
sports
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 for
relaxing
Replace the word
relaxation
show examples
 and
time
Use synonyms
 limit for learning.
Thus
Linking Words
, young
people
Use synonyms
 will be
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 person.

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What works well

2
task achievement

The essay does present both advantages and disadvantages of young children spending a significant amount of time practicing sports.

coherence cohesion

An introduction and conclusion are present, giving the essay a clear beginning and end.

Improvement Suggestions

3
coherence cohesion

Improve the logical structure by creating clearer paragraphs with topic sentences. Ensure that each paragraph discusses one main idea clearly.

task achievement

Strengthen your arguments with more detailed explanations and more varied examples. This will enhance comprehension and relevance.

task achievement

Enhance the vocabulary and avoid repetition to make the essay more engaging and professional.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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