IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many families nowadays, both parents work and pay people to look after their children. Some people believe this is not good for families. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

There is no
doubts
Fix the agreement mistake
doubt
show examples
, that some families choose to find employees who stay with their children. I believe, that the phenomenon has positive development and in
the
Correct determiner usage
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will explain the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
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 my opinion.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, as the advantage of
babysiters
Correct your spelling
babysitter
 usage, the decreasing number of postpartum depressions will be considered.
For instance
Linking Words
, many mothers who stay home with
kids
Correct pronoun usage
their kids
show examples
 may suffer from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mental disease.
This
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 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the former
deily
Correct your spelling
daily
 routine
such
Linking Words
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
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attending
the
Correct article usage
apply
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work or visiting the gym which can give satisfaction are
substitud
Correct your spelling
substituted
 by the
moundane
Correct your spelling
mundane
 chores.
In contrast
Linking Words
, If the woman return to her job, sport, and
metings
Correct your spelling
meetings
show examples
 with friends, she could recover faster.
Finally
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mental health and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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happiness in
marrige
Correct your spelling
marriage
 are supported by the phenomenon.
In addition
Linking Words
, the financial benefit
folows
Correct your spelling
follows
flows
 from the decision to attract external help to look after their
todlers
Correct your spelling
toddlers
. In
city
Add an article
a city
the city
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 where I am based,
to hire
Change the verb form
hiring
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 a person who will stay in
a
Change the article
an
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appartment
Correct your spelling
apartment
 and do all activities with youngsters could cost three
time
Change to a plural noun
times
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 less than
a
Correct article usage
the
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 salary of the
mather
Correct your spelling
mother
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
houshold
Correct your spelling
household
 may earn more money and
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 more sustainable. Alternatively, staying home
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
one of
parents
Add an article
the parents
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 could decrease the family
buget
Correct your spelling
budget
 twice
what
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 can lead to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 shortage of money.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the continuation of working by two parents increases their chances
to be
Change preposition
of being
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 promoted
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
career
Correct pronoun usage
their career
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,
what
Correct pronoun usage
which
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also
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 positively
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
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on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 salary. In conclusion, I support the idea that the practice of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
geting
Correct your spelling
getting
 help from nurses or other individuals to cover the parential needs is
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the psychological effect from faster returning to common life with
plesure
Correct your spelling
pleasure
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the
rising
Replace the word
rise
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 income
occured
Correct your spelling
occurred
occurs
 when a woman came back to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work.

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Grammar
Try to reduce minor grammatical errors and typos, for example: change 'doubt' to 'doubts', 'babysiters' to 'babysitters', 'houshold' to 'household', etc.
Grammar
To improve the logical structure, break long sentences into shorter ones, which helps in better understanding and avoid over-complexity, for instance, change 'some families choose to find employees who stay with their children' to 'some families choose to hire employees to look after their children'.
Supporting Examples
Aim to provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, such as detailed personal experiences or specific data/statistics.
Introduction
Work on improving your introduction to make it clearer and more engaging. Instead of starting with 'There is no doubt...', you might start with a more direct statement of your stance or an intriguing fact related to the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay would benefit from better use of linking words and phrases. Adding variety in conjunctions and transition words will improve flow. Use words like 'therefore, however, consequently', etc. more effectively.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task fully by discussing both the psychological and financial benefits of parents hiring help to look after their children.
Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main argument and ties back to the points discussed in the essay.
Elaboration of Ideas
The essay shows an ability to elaborate on ideas, providing multiple reasons for the stated opinion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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