IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

The range of obese children in the
western
Capitalize word
Western
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 community has risen
nearly
Change preposition
by nearly
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 20% in the
last
Linking Words
 decade. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will try to bring light to the main three reasons and three effects of
such
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 a usual tendency. One of the main reasons for
that is
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 fast food consumed today is more than it tends to be in the past. And the reason behind
that is
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 its availability and
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
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convenient
Replace the word
convenience
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 for most which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to obesity.
Moreover
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, the
GMO containing
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GMO-containing
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 products spread all around the world
,
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apply
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 has a similar outcome. Another reason is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of mobility and having no active social life.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly associated with a lot of time spent on video games and offline friendships that they build within those games.
Last
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 but not the least is stress
that is
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 initiated by parents
as
Change preposition
because
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 of their expectations and the heavy workload they put on kids during the academic year and even occupying summer holidays with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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activities and courses most of the time they don’t like. It should be worth noting about the consequences it may cause. First of all, excess weight results in
poor
Correct article usage
a poor
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 immune system and
making
Wrong verb form
makes
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 those who suffer an easy target for a disease. The global doctor association raised a red flag as the ages of chronic diseases rapidly reduced reaching out
even
Change preposition
to even
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 little ones. Diseases
such
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 as diabetes and cancer hold up places in the top five list. The second one is the sleeping disorder that extra weight could bring in. Depression is another factor
that is
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 frequently witnessed in corpulent children. It is
therefore
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 essential to control the weight of the kids to avoid the
afore mentions
Correct your spelling
aforementioned
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 effects. In
such
Linking Words
 a situation we need to call up all parents to be more responsible and take the initiative in their hands as the future of the newer generations depends on them.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly presents its main idea, and use topic sentences to guide the reader.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points, such as statistics or studies related to childhood obesity.
coherence and cohesion
Rephrase sentences for clarity, for instance, 'Moreover, the GMO containing products spread all around the world has a similar outcome.' could be clearer.
task achievement
You address the causes and effects of overweight children effectively and provide a call to action for parents which adds depth to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
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