Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. Do you agree?
The number of job titles in most of the organisations are occupied by the male counterparts,
on the other
hand
more than half of the workforce in developed nations is comprised of Add the comma(s)
hand,
womens
. Correct your spelling
women
This
essay will discuss whether a special allocation of a
fixed high-level job titles needs to be allocated to Correct article usage
apply
womens
or not.
Correct your spelling
women
To begin
with, womens
are considered to be highly organised and proficient Correct your spelling
women
while
executing a task on time. On the other hand
, mens
do have a tendency to complete the assigned jobs when they are reaching a deadline. Correct your spelling
men
means
Moreover
, most of
Change preposition
apply
the
female working professionals follow protocols and regulations strictly which are required Correct article usage
apply
while
working in a
organisation and Change the article
an
this
can be proved by a recent study which was published by a research company from the UK, concluding that around 90% of womens
never violate the company policies and rules which in comparison to Correct your spelling
women
mens
, only 29% of them try to work by the rules when Correct your spelling
men
the
are being monitored.
Correct your spelling
they
Additionally
, providing opportunites
to Correct your spelling
opportunities
womens
Correct your spelling
women
to
high-level jobs Change preposition
for
also
promote
gender equality in the company. Correct subject-verb agreement
promotes
Likewise
, there are other perks of electing womens
for senior-level roles, Correct your spelling
women
such
as, other females who are working on
a junior position do not feel dominated by the Change preposition
in
mens
, as the chain of command will Correct your spelling
men's
men
be equally balance
by having both Change the verb form
be equally balanced
the
genders.
In conclusion, I agree with the idea of allocating Correct article usage
apply
senior level
job roles to Add a hyphen
senior-level
womens
as they are efficient as their male counterparts and having more Correct your spelling
women
women's
females
professionals in a higher Change the noun form
female
position
will leave a positive impact on other Fix the agreement mistake
positions
womens
as well, Correct your spelling
women
women's
alongwith
balancing the workforce in an organisation.Correct your spelling
along with
Submitted by patelvaibhav1463 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction could be refined for better clarity. Instead of 'The number of job titles... are occupied by the male counterparts,' you might consider 'Most high-level positions in companies are occupied by men...' Also, the phrase 'This essay will discuss whether a special allocation of a fixed high-level job titles needs to be allocated to womens or not' could be more concise and grammatically correct by stating, 'This essay will discuss whether companies should allocate a certain percentage of high-level positions to women.'
relevant specific examples
The essay provides relevant points supporting why women should be given high-level positions, but it could benefit from more specific examples or studies to substantiate the claims further. Try to elaborate on the consequences of not having women in these roles and the potential benefits in greater detail.
logical structure
Consider using clearer transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs to enhance the logical flow of ideas. Words and phrases like 'However,' 'Furthermore,' and 'Therefore' can guide the reader more effectively.
clear comprehensive ideas
There have been a few grammatical errors, such as 'mens' and 'womens,' which should be 'men' and 'women.' Proofreading your essay for these small errors will help improve clarity and professionalism.
introduction conclusion present
The essay identifies a clear standpoint on the issue and supports it with relevant arguments regarding women's proficiency and adherence to company policies.
logical structure
The main points are well-organized and cover different aspects of the argument, including organizational efficiency and gender equality.
supported main points
There is a good attempt to integrate a study to support the argument, which adds credibility to the discussion.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.