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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the graph and the table show the average monthly temperatures and anual hours of sunshine reseivered by the three major cities.

the graph and the table show the average monthly temperatures and anual hours of sunshine reseivered by the three major cities.
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The given line graph illustrates the
temperatures
Use synonyms
 for each month in
London
Use synonyms
, New
York
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,
Use synonyms
Sydney
Correct word choice
and Sydney
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 over
a
Correct article usage
apply
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one year,
while
Linking Words
 the table shows the
hours
Use synonyms
 of
sunshine
Use synonyms
 for the three different cities throughout
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 year.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that the
temperatures
Use synonyms
 in
London
Use synonyms
 and New
York
Use synonyms
 were mostly hotter than
Use synonyms
Sydney
Change preposition
in Sydney
show examples
 over the time frame. Taking a look at the table, New
York
Use synonyms
 was a city that had the most
hours
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 of
sunshine
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,
while
Linking Words
London
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 witnessed
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 opposite trend. With regards to the line graph which experienced the changes in
temperatures
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. In terms of
London
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temperatures
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, starting with a cold climate in January (approximately 20) before rising dramatically for the next 6 months to 25 and
then
Linking Words
 it declined, by the end of the period
London
Use synonyms
 temperature was exactly 20. Meanwhile, New
York
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 was cold
in
Change preposition
at
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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initial
Change the word
initially
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 with only 5, sharing a similar trend as
London
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 and reaching a peak at warm weather, about 30 in July before decreasing to the same temperature with
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
begin
Replace the word
beginning
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
Sydney
Use synonyms
 showed
a
Remove the article
apply
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cozy
Change the spelling
cosy
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 weather in January (nearly 27), it later dropped dramatically, hitting a low at 25 in the middle of the time frame,
then
Linking Words
 recovering gradually until December with just under 26. Moving on to the table which demonstrates the total
hours
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 of
sunshine
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, both New
York
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along
Linking Words
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Sydney
Use synonyms
 shared a similar number, 2535 and 2473
hours
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 of
sunshine
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, respectively. As for
London
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, it only had a half of these, with 1158
hours
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.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words temperatures, london, york, sydney, hours, sunshine with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dramatically" was used 2 times.
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