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Writing Samples
Band 5

3)Although countries with long average working hours are economically successful, this often has some negative social consequences. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is increasing debate on whether
longer
Correct article usage
a longer
show examples
 duration of
work
Use synonyms
 is truly beneficial.
While
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 some believe that
this
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 model should continue on as it has shown to benefit a country's economic status, others,
along with
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 myself,
diasgree
Correct your spelling
disagree
disagreed
 with
this
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 sentiment as it can have negative effects on the physical and mental wellbeing of those in the workforce. An increase in the number of hours
spend
Change the form of the verb
spent
show examples
 working is often linked with a rise in the prosperity of the business. There are more hours in the day
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 a customer has access to a specific workspace and
thus
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, there is thought to be an increase in earnings.
For instance
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, many restaurants that start out, choose to stay open past midnight in hopes of bringing in more customers.
However
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,
this
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 way of
work
Use synonyms
 has its own pitfalls. If an individual spends more time at
work
Use synonyms
, they are less likely to make time for their family, and more importantly, themselves. It results in lowered physical and recreational activities, which in turn, leads to poorer mental health.
Consequently
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,
this
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 affects their
work
Use synonyms
 abilities.
For example
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, Japan recently moved to a
4 day
Add a hyphen
4-day
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 week, and
this
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 has
shown
Add a missing verb
been shown
show examples
 to benefit its citizens. In conclusion,
while
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 setting longer hours of
work
Use synonyms
 might seem to help with the progress of businesses, and
subsequently
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 the country, in the long run, it can have a huge negative impact on the country's population.

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task achievement
Consider expanding on the specific examples provided to further illustrate your points. Providing more detailed examples can make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to proofread for minor spelling and grammatical errors (e.g., 'diasgree' should be 'disagree', 'spend' should be 'spent').
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the topic and the writer’s position on the issue. This sets a strong foundation for the essay.
logical structure
The essay is generally well-organized with a clear progression of ideas from paragraph to paragraph. This enhances readability and understanding.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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