In modern times, people are under more stress than ever. This has a negative impact on their well-being. State some of the causes and suggest possible solutions.
In contemporary
society
, people
stress
out more than people
used to. It is because the
Correct article usage
apply
society
highly focuses on competition
and this
leads to mental health disorders. For solving
Change preposition
To solve
this
problem, it is crucial to find a hobby.
Nowadays, people
are constantly exposed to competition
making them feel extreme
nervous Change the adjective
extremely
for
losing their jobs if they don’t remain competitive. Especially, after Change preposition
about
covid-19
broke out, the job market Correct your spelling
COVID-19
have
become so vulnerable and Change the verb form
has
not stable
that Rephrase
unstable
colossal
number of Change the article
a colossal
the colossal
people
have been forced to consistent self-development. According to
a survey in a Korean Institution, over 70% Korean
Change preposition
of Korean
people
stated that they feel high
intension of Correct article usage
a high
competition
, which resulted
that they are always under Wrong verb form
results
stress
. This
result clearly shows that the
our Remove the article
apply
society
value
Correct subject-verb agreement
values
competition
thus
, people
are overwhelmed by this
suffocating situation.
However
, finding a hobby can be a significant way to get out of this
fear. When we immerse ourselves in some activities that we do like spending time, we are able to totally forget about worries related to work during that period. In reality, a significant number of Korean started to join a club for sharing
their hobbies with others including cooking, playing Change preposition
to share
soccersand
swimming after their work or during their spare time. Correct your spelling
soccer and
soccers and
Additionally
, almost two-thirds responded that they can relieve stress
from these activities according to
the survey above. Therefore
, it is certain that getting out of a work-related situation by participating in activities allows us to release the high level of stress
.
To sum up
, while
today’s competitive society
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
people
feel emotional strain, it is possible to alleviate stress
by doing hobbies that give them a great sense of excitement and fulfillment
.Change the spelling
fulfilment
Submitted by jb22809467 on
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writing
Work on improving sentence structure and grammar. There are several awkward phrases and grammatical errors that affect the readability of your essay.
content
Develop your main points more thoroughly with detailed explanations and multiple examples where possible. This will help improve the depth of your argument.
structure and organization
Expand on the introduction to more clearly outline the causes and solutions that will be discussed. Similarly, make the conclusion a bit more comprehensive to neatly summarize your main points.
task response
The essay addresses both the causes of stress and suggests possible solutions, which is exactly what the task requires.
content
The use of a specific survey example from Korea adds authenticity and relevance to your points.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main argument of the essay and reinforces the solution you propose.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic
Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.
You essay structure should look something like this:
- Introduction
- Body paragraph 1 – Problems
- Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
- Conclusion
Examples to start your body paragraph:
- One of the first problems of the...
- Another problem that needs to be considered...
- A possible solution to this problem would be...
- One immediate practical solution is to...
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