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Writing Samples
Band 5

In modern times, people are under more stress than ever. This has a negative impact on their well-being. State some of the causes and suggest possible solutions.

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In contemporary
society
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,
people
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stress
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 out more than
people
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 used to. It is because
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
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 highly focuses on
competition
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 and
this
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 leads to mental health disorders.
For solving
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To solve
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this
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 problem, it is crucial to find a hobby. Nowadays,
people
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 are constantly exposed to
competition
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 making them feel
extreme
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extremely
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 nervous
for
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about
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 losing their jobs if they don’t remain competitive. Especially, after
covid-19
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COVID-19
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 broke out, the job market
have
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has
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 become so vulnerable and
not stable
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unstable
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 that
colossal
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a colossal
the colossal
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 number of
people
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 have been forced to consistent self-development.
According to
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 a survey in a Korean Institution, over 70%
Korean
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of Korean
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people
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 stated that they feel
high
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a high
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 intension of
competition
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, which
resulted
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results
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 that they are always under
stress
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.
This
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 result clearly shows that
the
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apply
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our
society
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value
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values
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competition
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thus
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,
people
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 are overwhelmed by
this
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 suffocating situation.
However
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, finding a hobby can be a significant way to get out of
this
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 fear. When we immerse ourselves in some activities that we do like spending time, we are able to totally forget about worries related to work during that period. In reality, a significant number of Korean started to join a club
for sharing
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to share
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 their hobbies with others including cooking, playing
soccersand
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soccer and
soccers and
 swimming after their work or during their spare time.
Additionally
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, almost two-thirds responded that they can relieve
stress
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 from these activities
according to
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 the survey above.
Therefore
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, it is certain that getting out of a work-related situation by participating in activities allows us to release the high level of
stress
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.
To sum up
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,
while
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 today’s competitive
society
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make
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makes
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people
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 feel emotional strain, it is possible to alleviate
stress
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 by doing hobbies that give them a great sense of excitement and
fulfillment
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fulfilment
show examples
.

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writing
Work on improving sentence structure and grammar. There are several awkward phrases and grammatical errors that affect the readability of your essay.
content
Develop your main points more thoroughly with detailed explanations and multiple examples where possible. This will help improve the depth of your argument.
structure and organization
Expand on the introduction to more clearly outline the causes and solutions that will be discussed. Similarly, make the conclusion a bit more comprehensive to neatly summarize your main points.
task response
The essay addresses both the causes of stress and suggests possible solutions, which is exactly what the task requires.
content
The use of a specific survey example from Korea adds authenticity and relevance to your points.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main argument of the essay and reinforces the solution you propose.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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