IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children find it difficult to concentrate on or pay attention to their studies in school. What are the reasons? How can we solve this problem?

#children #attention #studies #school
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One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is that some
students
 can to concentrate on the
lesson
, thinking about something less. It is undeniable that
a new knowledge
Remove the article
new knowledge
a piece of new knowledge
show examples
 has become an essential part of our life.
However
,
personally
Add a comma
personally,
show examples
 I tend to think that
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 should be thinking about
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
lesson
 and head on
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
lesson
.
Firstly
 it is well known that
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 have a lot of subjects in one study day and it is difficult for some
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
,
as well as
 some lessons are boring. What I mean here is that some teachers explain very
hardly
Change the word
hard
show examples
 and understanding it is difficult,
this
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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leads to the misunderstanding of the child. One of the main reasons behind
that is
 some teachers provide a
lesson
with out
Correct your spelling
without
show examples
 activities.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 it can be argued that doesn't want to study.
That is
 to say a small
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
students
 won't
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
get
a new knowledge
Remove the article
new knowledge
a piece of new knowledge
show examples
,
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 think about their other plans
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 future. Take
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example, some
students
 might be thinking about career aspirations or personal hobbies during class time.
As a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 it leads to distraction often
hinders
Wrong verb form
hindering
show examples
 their ability to absorb new information effectively.
Moreover
, the structure of the
lesson
 itself plays a crucial role. When teachers fail to incorporate interactive activities or real-world examples,
students
 may struggle to connect with the material. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account I would argue that,
while
 the acquisition of knowledge is undeniably important, ensuring that
students
 remain actively engaged in their lessons is equally vital.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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grammar and sentence structure
Work on improving your grammar and sentence structure. There are several instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect word choice, such as 'can to concentrate' and 'their think about their other plans.' This affects the clarity of your ideas.
support main points
Provide more concrete examples to support your main points. While the essay mentions students thinking about career aspirations, it would benefit from more specific examples or scenarios.
paragraph structure
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all sentences within the paragraph support this main idea. The paragraphs sometimes lack a clear focus, making the argument less compelling.
address prompt
Your essay addresses the prompt by offering reasons why students might struggle to concentrate and some potential solutions.
structure
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Concentration
  • Engagement
  • Curriculum
  • Attention span
  • Learning disorders
  • Interactive learning
  • Personalized learning
  • Supportive learning environment
  • Mental health
  • Organizational skills
  • Educational policy
  • Mindfulness
  • Screen time
What to do next:
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