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Writing Samples
Band 3

Some people say that playing computer games is bad for children, whereas others say that it has positive effects on the way children develop. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #computer #games #children #effects
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Do you think that playing video
games
 is
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 thing? There
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 some positive and negative
effects
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 playing computer
games
, I will talk about both
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 of view. On the one hand, there is
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of positive
effects
 on
children's
Change noun form
children
show examples
.
Firstly
, it can
helps
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
 your child to learn
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
 language.
Also
, he can
have
Verb problem
make
show examples
 new friends. Add to that, he can learn how technology works or maybe he can create a new thing.
Secondly
, he can have fun if he
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 feeling bored.
On the other hand
, there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 some bad
effects
 on the way children develop.
Whereas
 it may
cause's
Correct your spelling
cause
show examples
 health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
such
 as losing eyesight
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is a huge problem. Add to that, it may cause back pain.
Also
, if the child
play
Change the verb form
plays
show examples
 blood
games
that is
 going to
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 he's behaviour.
Secondly
, it may
effects
Verb problem
affect
show examples
 his study.
Moreover
, maybe he is not going to have
a real friends
Correct the article-noun agreement
real friends
a real friend
show examples
.
Also
, some people see it as a
wasting
Replace the word
waste
show examples
 of time
instead
 of doing your main job.
To sum up
, if you use
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video
games
 in the right way it can be helpful and vice versa. In my opinion, I see that playing video
games
 is
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 way to have fun but we should
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
 of the bad
effects
.
Submitted by aa.alshallal7 on

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task achievement
Try to expand your ideas with more specific examples that illustrate your points. For instance, when mentioning that video games can help children learn new languages, provide a specific example of a game that helps with language learning.
coherence cohesion
Ensure to maintain logical progression of ideas. For example, start with one side of the argument, fully develop it, and then discuss the other side before giving your opinion. This will provide a more coherent structure to your essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to link your ideas more effectively using transitional phrases. Words like 'however,' 'on the contrary,' and 'furthermore,' can improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
You addressed both sides of the argument and provided a personal opinion, which is great. This shows that you understand the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in structuring your response.
task achievement
You brought up relevant points on both the positive and negative effects of video games, showing balanced consideration of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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