IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say the government should not put money into building theaters and sports stadiums, they should spend more money on medical care and education. To what extent do you agree or disagree this opinion?

#people #government #money #theaters #sports #stadiums #care #education
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As the world's population grows in number, governments are finding it difficult to allot enough funds to sections of the society that are of most importance.
While
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 some say that activities meant for recreation are crucial and should receive money from the authorities, others,
along with
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 myself, disagree as there are other sectors that lack funding and should be looked at
instead
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. Equality in education and proper medical care is a point of discussion and debate in nearly every country across the globe. Most governments struggle to allocate appropriate funds required to keep government hospitals and educational bodies running throughout the year.
As a result
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, building new medical and educational facilities in areas of the country that need it, happens few and far
inbetween
Correct your spelling
in-between
in between
between
.
In addition
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, any unfortunate natural disaster
further
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 causes hindrances and delay in
construction
Correct article usage
the construction
show examples
 of newer schools and more technologically advanced hospitals. Any money reserved for recreational activities should be directed towards these areas of the society that require funding.
Moreover
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, nearly all movie theatres nowadays are built by private contractors, as it is deemed to be an extremely profitable line of work.
For instance
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, nearly all of the theatres currently functioning in India are privately owned by a single company.
Instead
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, more focus should be put on the upkeep of the sports stadiums and government-owned movie theatres that are already running. In conclusion,
while
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 it is necessary to have places of recreation as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
benefits
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefit
show examples
 an individual's
overall
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 health, accessible and cheap means of healthcare and education are of greater importance, and the government should reserve funds
accordingly
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.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure a smooth flow of ideas by avoiding abrupt sentences. For instance, the phrase 'In addition, any unfortunate natural disaster further causes hindrances and delay in construction of newer schools and more technologically advanced hospitals' could be integrated more seamlessly into the paragraph without a standalone introduction.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or statistics to substantiate your points. For instance, when discussing the allocation of funds or private ownership of theaters, specific data or real-world examples can add weight to your argument.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly sets the context and presents your standpoint effectively.
coherence cohesion
Both your introduction and conclusion are well-written and effectively summarize your viewpoint, adding clarity to the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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